To just be happy.

The recent sad happenings kept playing repeatedly in my mind...
They are too much for me to let go and be happy.
Negative thoughts are flooding through my mind endlessly,
and my only wish, is for my guardian angel to be there for me.

Each passing day seems like a challenge and an obstacle.
I find myself crippled, weakened with the past events...
I cry with every little failure, anger, disappointment...
I cannot control my emotions like how I used to.
I've failed miserably as a living soul.

I kept questioning the existence of all that had happened.
Why do I need to go through so much pain and hurt?
Why do my heart need to suffer so much aches before I could move on...?

I thought I've been under quite a bit of stress lately,
having to juggle work (they are hell loads of them, which no one could ever understand)
piano (theory and practical exam), getting scoldings every week,
countless tuition assignments, trying my best to manage my time,
and a relationship which I refuse to give up even with all the roller coaster rides we have been through.
I've tried so hard to make it work.
I've tried so hard to make him see that I'm supportive,
that even when I can't support him financially.
I've tried to give him my moral support,
sending him and picking him up from places to reduce his travelling time,
but they're all seen as an obligation as to what a girlfriend should do.
I've tried to NOT contact him when he's working,
even when I'm missing him truckloads, because that would mean 'distraction', 'annoyance' and even an 'unsupportive' girlfriend.
I may have failed, but I'm not giving up.

I think I've depended too much on him for my happiness,
and that of course, is wrong.
It is wrong to love a guy more than he does, to crave for him when he's busy.
My strong desire for him to talk to me, to communicate with me,
has become a turnoff for him and a huge fighting weapon in our relationship.
I've learned to let go, to fly the kite...
Because that to him, is giving him more freedom and space,
which I know, he gladly appreciates.

This week has been a little better, especially after our Vietnam trip.
It was an adventurous and unforgettable one for the both of us.
I could sense that both of us are slowly moving into the 'right' direction...
That we're trusting, understanding, loving and giving more faith to this relationship again.
I'm more than thankful.

And I guess sometimes, we're all too used to each other's presence,
that we forgot how hard we fought for us to be where we are today.
I've always remember the day where we first started...
No matter how our future lies, whether we're really meant to be,
I just pray that the days ahead get better, and we can be a happy couple once again.

Now that I've slowly lost my pillar of strength and support,
which I'm assuming he's not aware,
I hope to muster more courage to fight for my own happiness in the days to come.

Just cant explain how I miss those good times of just loving and understanding with just one look of the eye...
How we always date each other every weekend,
with no fights, no tears,
but full of embraces and love.

When can we get there again??