Everyone has been praising about my positivity in life.
I'm amazed at my own strength.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm collapsing and tearing into pieces.
I just want to give myself as much time as possible to heal.
I know I'm not ready to love.
Please, protect my heart and let me be at peace.
Enjoy your companionship, and that's the best that I could ever asked for.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
Fate or coincidence?
I am surprised that I've contributed to someone else's happiness this December.
Still remember months ago, when I left my relationship and was feeling torn apart,
I spoke to this man - he too left his relationship of 3 years.
Both shattered, we shared the same goal in life.
To forget about our past and move on.
Then, somehow, we lost contact.
We found out soon later, that we have patched back to our respective partners again.
We were madly in love, thinking we would work out.
Of course, those were just our silly thoughts.
A few months later, we randomly texted and I remembered him asking me about my Dec plans.
At that time, I remembered my ex telling me how he busy he was, and it was impossible for us to travel.
So I replied him saying that I don't have a plan, perhaps spending time with my family and friends.
He replied almost instantly, and rather casually, that I will be spending time with him, because he is my friend! I agreed. Soon, we did not contact again. I assumed both of us were sinking into our love boats and couldn't bother much about this platonic friendship we have.
Months past and it was October. I finally made up my mind to leave this relationship.
It was a lousy relationship. There is nothing that I wish for it to remain.
I've woken up from my self-denial, to realize that the kind of relationship I once had was so horrible.
Any other guy that I'm dating today, is far better than the one that I had.
Thank God we're over.
The day I ended my relationship, it was a gloomy Friday.
Godma spent the day with me, comforting me and assuring me that I am being wise.
During that period, I constantly questioned my decision.
At times, I almost wanted to give him a call to say how much I've missed him.
At other times, I wish he would just disappear in my life forever.
But today, I hardly remember anything about him, other than his name.
To say that I've completely forgotten about him, it is a lie.
But for a fact, I know that I've moved on completely.
He has been entirely erased off.
A few weeks passed by, and he texted again.
He asked if I would like to go on a cruise with my bf as he couldn't make it.
There, I realize that he had also left his girlfriend!
After much prompting, we found out that it was just 4 days apart.
Is this God's doing, fate, or pure coincidence?
We didn't attempt to reconnect after our loss, I guess we were both healing.
But some things brought us together again.
Just recently, I found out that he has made a similar purchase during the same period.
We had set our eyes on the same brand LED Smart TV and had bought it with warranty extension at the same COURTS!
We were also sent to the same marking centres this year, of which I could vividly remember,
on the first day when I first got down from my car, he appeared.
At that time, on that day, I was single, he was attached.
On the third day, we crossed roads again during dismissal.
We were both single but no one uttered a word.
We have spent many wonderful and happy days together this December.
Just as I thought it would be dreadful and boring especially with my cousins at New Zealand,
God sent an angel to accompany me through this last month of the year.
Last night, I spent 3 hours alone at Jurong Hill.
I've thought through the major events that happened this year.
I smiled, because I know I've become so much stronger after all the tests I've been through.
Just as I was driving out, he texted me and we chatted.
And when I was about to leave, he asked if I was already home.
There were too much coincidences between us, I find it indescribable.
We have also agreed to spend the last day of 2013 together... heading for countdown which I'm highly anticipating the arrival of this day.
Not sure where 2014 is going to lead me, but with him, I feel safe and secured.
Is this a rebound or love?
Both of us are leaving it to God to decide for us. Right now, we're happy and positive about life. We agree to stand by each other in times of needs, and he promises that I can always count on him.
Whether a not we'll be together in future, I thank God for sending such an awesome person in my life.
Thank you God!
Still remember months ago, when I left my relationship and was feeling torn apart,
I spoke to this man - he too left his relationship of 3 years.
Both shattered, we shared the same goal in life.
To forget about our past and move on.
Then, somehow, we lost contact.
We found out soon later, that we have patched back to our respective partners again.
We were madly in love, thinking we would work out.
Of course, those were just our silly thoughts.
A few months later, we randomly texted and I remembered him asking me about my Dec plans.
At that time, I remembered my ex telling me how he busy he was, and it was impossible for us to travel.
So I replied him saying that I don't have a plan, perhaps spending time with my family and friends.
He replied almost instantly, and rather casually, that I will be spending time with him, because he is my friend! I agreed. Soon, we did not contact again. I assumed both of us were sinking into our love boats and couldn't bother much about this platonic friendship we have.
Months past and it was October. I finally made up my mind to leave this relationship.
It was a lousy relationship. There is nothing that I wish for it to remain.
I've woken up from my self-denial, to realize that the kind of relationship I once had was so horrible.
Any other guy that I'm dating today, is far better than the one that I had.
Thank God we're over.
The day I ended my relationship, it was a gloomy Friday.
Godma spent the day with me, comforting me and assuring me that I am being wise.
During that period, I constantly questioned my decision.
At times, I almost wanted to give him a call to say how much I've missed him.
At other times, I wish he would just disappear in my life forever.
But today, I hardly remember anything about him, other than his name.
To say that I've completely forgotten about him, it is a lie.
But for a fact, I know that I've moved on completely.
He has been entirely erased off.
A few weeks passed by, and he texted again.
He asked if I would like to go on a cruise with my bf as he couldn't make it.
There, I realize that he had also left his girlfriend!
After much prompting, we found out that it was just 4 days apart.
Is this God's doing, fate, or pure coincidence?
We didn't attempt to reconnect after our loss, I guess we were both healing.
But some things brought us together again.
Just recently, I found out that he has made a similar purchase during the same period.
We had set our eyes on the same brand LED Smart TV and had bought it with warranty extension at the same COURTS!
We were also sent to the same marking centres this year, of which I could vividly remember,
on the first day when I first got down from my car, he appeared.
At that time, on that day, I was single, he was attached.
On the third day, we crossed roads again during dismissal.
We were both single but no one uttered a word.
We have spent many wonderful and happy days together this December.
Just as I thought it would be dreadful and boring especially with my cousins at New Zealand,
God sent an angel to accompany me through this last month of the year.
Last night, I spent 3 hours alone at Jurong Hill.
I've thought through the major events that happened this year.
I smiled, because I know I've become so much stronger after all the tests I've been through.
Just as I was driving out, he texted me and we chatted.
And when I was about to leave, he asked if I was already home.
There were too much coincidences between us, I find it indescribable.
We have also agreed to spend the last day of 2013 together... heading for countdown which I'm highly anticipating the arrival of this day.
Not sure where 2014 is going to lead me, but with him, I feel safe and secured.
Is this a rebound or love?
Both of us are leaving it to God to decide for us. Right now, we're happy and positive about life. We agree to stand by each other in times of needs, and he promises that I can always count on him.
Whether a not we'll be together in future, I thank God for sending such an awesome person in my life.
Thank you God!
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
I've moved on!!! YAYYYY!
I can't believe that I've moved on in less than 2 months.
Thumbs up to our Hong Kong trip!
Getting drunk was the best thing ever! :)
Blessing in disguise, I've uncovered and discovered the hidden soul.
I've experienced the best and the worst for the year,
and I can confidently say that 2014 will be a better year for me.
I've braved through the storm, and now the rainbow awaits.
I can't describe that butterfly feeling in my stomach when I think of that someone new.
How could I possibly fall for him?!
I look forward to many more impromptu dates with him.
Whether a not we will be as one, I could only pray for us to be happy.
Thumbs up to our Hong Kong trip!
Getting drunk was the best thing ever! :)
Blessing in disguise, I've uncovered and discovered the hidden soul.
I've experienced the best and the worst for the year,
and I can confidently say that 2014 will be a better year for me.
I've braved through the storm, and now the rainbow awaits.
I can't describe that butterfly feeling in my stomach when I think of that someone new.
How could I possibly fall for him?!
I look forward to many more impromptu dates with him.
Whether a not we will be as one, I could only pray for us to be happy.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
My Saturday
Going out to meet one of my bestest Secondary school friends for
movie + dinner + shopping.
I think I've always been right.
I should put love aside until when I'm ready.
Just chanced upon his photo on facebook.
The overwhelming emotions came gushing back.
I thought I was ready to let go and move on.
Like what I've been convincing myself,
when the time is right, the right one will come.
PJJ, I know it's almost time I've to completely stop pinning hope on us.
You must be leading a wonderful life ever since I left.
I think at some point, I do as well.
Still, you have my blessings in your work and life.
Till here, I'll try my best to stop talking about 'us',
but about me :D
movie + dinner + shopping.
I think I've always been right.
I should put love aside until when I'm ready.
Just chanced upon his photo on facebook.
The overwhelming emotions came gushing back.
I thought I was ready to let go and move on.
Like what I've been convincing myself,
when the time is right, the right one will come.
PJJ, I know it's almost time I've to completely stop pinning hope on us.
You must be leading a wonderful life ever since I left.
I think at some point, I do as well.
Still, you have my blessings in your work and life.
Till here, I'll try my best to stop talking about 'us',
but about me :D
My first prata experience!
I've never been so adventurous for the longest time~
I sneaked out of the house at 3am last night just to head down to West Coast for supper!
I admit this man could give me the sense of security that no one else could.
My only wish, is for us to be status quo for as long as we can.
I enjoy his companion, the conversations we hold, the laughter and little secrets we share.
Can we be good friends forever? I don't want to risk losing another someone whom I hold so close to my heart.
Simplicity really, is bliss.
Just love the feeling of sitting in his car, tuning in to kiss 92 and having random talks.
I like how we will try to navigate our way to our destination/home without GPS.
going all the wrong way and making big loops and turns to get back on track.
Everyday together is a learning experience for us :D
Oh yes, and I finally tried prata last night!
Well, just a few mouthful from W, but it was delicious!
The smell of it could send one salivating and craving for more...
Though the one I ordered was not really a prata - chocolate tissue prata.
tall flimsy crepes with chocolate fillings sprinkled all over.
still taste great! <3
I need to learn how to eat with more etiquette in future.
once an entertainment, always an entertainment :)
Managed to remove my dressing today @ NUH.
Doctor commented that my wound is recovering very well, and that I've a high level of tolerance for pain - as usual.
I need to learn how to love myself all over again...
Today's takeaway:
Unless it's mad, passionate , extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.
I sneaked out of the house at 3am last night just to head down to West Coast for supper!
I admit this man could give me the sense of security that no one else could.
My only wish, is for us to be status quo for as long as we can.
I enjoy his companion, the conversations we hold, the laughter and little secrets we share.
Can we be good friends forever? I don't want to risk losing another someone whom I hold so close to my heart.
Simplicity really, is bliss.
Just love the feeling of sitting in his car, tuning in to kiss 92 and having random talks.
I like how we will try to navigate our way to our destination/home without GPS.
going all the wrong way and making big loops and turns to get back on track.
Everyday together is a learning experience for us :D
Oh yes, and I finally tried prata last night!
Well, just a few mouthful from W, but it was delicious!
The smell of it could send one salivating and craving for more...
Though the one I ordered was not really a prata - chocolate tissue prata.
tall flimsy crepes with chocolate fillings sprinkled all over.
still taste great! <3
I need to learn how to eat with more etiquette in future.
once an entertainment, always an entertainment :)
Managed to remove my dressing today @ NUH.
Doctor commented that my wound is recovering very well, and that I've a high level of tolerance for pain - as usual.
I need to learn how to love myself all over again...
Today's takeaway:
Unless it's mad, passionate , extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Friday, the 13th
Have been so busy this entire day that I have forgotten to check my icon mail.
P dropped 2 emails, urging me to reply, along with burning questions that he needed to know.
So cropped up with work that I find myself suffocating, breathless.
2013 is coming to an end, yes, it is!
I can't let this negativity follow me through.
I need to embrace myself and stand up stronger!
Enough of saying, I need to execute some actions!
On a sidenote, I still can't forget the prawning session we had! :)
It was good, beyond words to describe.
The disparity between the two men is too wide.
one - childish.
The conversation that we hold could only revolve around the present.
He is stubborn, arrogant, self-centred, selfish, has low self-esteem.
age is a factor, but upbringing is the key.
two - mature
one that would engage me in a conversation so intellectual, that sets me thinking about the things I've talked about. I enjoy being ferried around, taken to places I've not explored before, and being led about.
I have to admit I'm mesmerized by his gentleman-ness.
- one who opens the car door for me
- one who always pulls out the chair and have me seated before him
- one who picks up hair from my dish and laugh at the way I hold my chopsticks
YAY to this man with a concrete plan for the future!
Not that I've fallen in love again, I'm out of love.
More sadly, I'm out of shape too.
I hope my second getaway this weekend makes me more determined to forget my ex.
I hope the trip gives me the courage to throw away all his photos in my wallet and the stuff toys he once gave.
No words from you means that you have also given up on us, which I haven't in fact.
31 December 2013 - the last day I will dwell about us, our beautiful love. The day we met, the hug we always thought could last me to the day that I say "I do". I've always imagined how you would go through gate-crashing just to marry me, because I'm the only princess that you once want to be with.
Are we really over?
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Fly the kite, about time.
Really enjoyed my prawning session with WK and friends today :)
Great catch and chit-chat sessions we had!
Headed to Jurong Hill once again, and it was a whole new experience.
Seems like I've left a piece of my heart somewhere.
I'll have a good sleep tonight. <3
May God show me the way... I know He will.
Great catch and chit-chat sessions we had!
Headed to Jurong Hill once again, and it was a whole new experience.
Seems like I've left a piece of my heart somewhere.
I'll have a good sleep tonight. <3
May God show me the way... I know He will.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
27-11-2012
More than a year ago, you penned this down for me.
And today, I know that I have to treat it seriously because we're officially completely over.
"Life is short and time waits for no one... The only thing that stays constant is endless changes... I don't know where life will lead us to in the future... So I just wanna take this opportunity to tell you some things... I think that if life were to separate us one day and we end up in totally different places, I'll always remember how our paths align. I'll be thankful for that. And hope that wherever you are, you'll be thankful too. I think that is the best that we can wish for"
"Some things will never change... just like how I will always love your smile..."
--> For this, I'll continue to smile radiantly for this world. I will not cry I will not ache, I will smile and melt your heart and soul ... :)
New date, yes/no?
This is such a difficult night.
I foresee myself grabbing a ticket, sail to Batam, a place where serenity and peace would greet.
I just want to lay down in my bikini, slap on some suntan lotion, wear my glasses and daze.
Life without you has to go on, isn't it?
There's just this indescribable feeling about where life would lead me to.
hatred or love, fear or grief.
It doesn't matter anymore.
I foresee myself grabbing a ticket, sail to Batam, a place where serenity and peace would greet.
I just want to lay down in my bikini, slap on some suntan lotion, wear my glasses and daze.
Life without you has to go on, isn't it?
There's just this indescribable feeling about where life would lead me to.
hatred or love, fear or grief.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
To heal and be healed.
Finally went for my surgery op yesterday...
Thank God everything was smooth and safe :)
I thank Lord for his presence and healing hands to be upon me all the time,
He is my great Father, who loves me more than I can imagine.
Still, my greatest hope now is to move on, without him lingering around my thoughts all the time.
I've been having difficulty falling in asleep, with those memories replaying incessantly in my head.
I must have been not working hard enough to have these events captured again.
Time - to heal and be healed.
Lord, you hear my cries to reach out to you.
Come walk with me through this trying time.
Give me the strength and wisdom that I need to be whole again.
Turn me into the person you want me to be,
and I commit my entire life into your heavenly hands.
In Jesus' almighty name,
Amen.
Thank God everything was smooth and safe :)
I thank Lord for his presence and healing hands to be upon me all the time,
He is my great Father, who loves me more than I can imagine.
Still, my greatest hope now is to move on, without him lingering around my thoughts all the time.
I've been having difficulty falling in asleep, with those memories replaying incessantly in my head.
I must have been not working hard enough to have these events captured again.
Time - to heal and be healed.
Lord, you hear my cries to reach out to you.
Come walk with me through this trying time.
Give me the strength and wisdom that I need to be whole again.
Turn me into the person you want me to be,
and I commit my entire life into your heavenly hands.
In Jesus' almighty name,
Amen.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Ajisen; a place we used to love.
Our dinner at Ajisen Restaurant brings back wonderful memories.
The meat was succinct, the soup was tasty - just the way it used to be.
But things have changed so much ever since.
We've lost contact and have become strangers overnight.
I still miss you very very much, do you?
I bawled at the fact that I'm still craving for this, even after months of separation.
That the desire to be with you is still so strong.
How did I ever get so deeply in love?
God, I pray that you'll walk with me through this difficult phase of my life.
Give me strength to move on completely, and erase him out of my memory.
I commit my life into your heavenly hands, and to lead the life you want me to lead.
Father God, I know you love me more than anyone else and today, I give my life to you.
In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
The meat was succinct, the soup was tasty - just the way it used to be.
But things have changed so much ever since.
We've lost contact and have become strangers overnight.
I still miss you very very much, do you?
I bawled at the fact that I'm still craving for this, even after months of separation.
That the desire to be with you is still so strong.
How did I ever get so deeply in love?
God, I pray that you'll walk with me through this difficult phase of my life.
Give me strength to move on completely, and erase him out of my memory.
I commit my life into your heavenly hands, and to lead the life you want me to lead.
Father God, I know you love me more than anyone else and today, I give my life to you.
In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Feeling: Down
I've been in the lowest mood again.
I miss him very very much, not that my life's not good.
But really, I miss his touch and him caressing my hair.
If only he'd feel the same way...
Dear God, pls help me to move on.
I'm still stuck in this past love.
I miss him very very much, not that my life's not good.
But really, I miss his touch and him caressing my hair.
If only he'd feel the same way...
Dear God, pls help me to move on.
I'm still stuck in this past love.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
My first year-end trip: Bangkok!
Even with the political unrest happening in Bangkok, I'm still going ahead with my plans.
And all these days, I could only pray that God will keep me safe throughout the trip.
God is faithful.
For one thing, I know I am very blessed in my work, my career.
There's nothing that can possibly make me feel so whole after the end of the previous relationship - other than work.
I'm motivated, and the positive feedback and assurance from all my bosses spurred me even more.
Thank you Lord, for the miraculous things you have done in my life.
I can't wait for 2013 to end. I'll always remember this year I've through.
Full of agony and anguish, grief, hopelessness until I found You.
2014, bring it on.
I'm already exalted knowing the year is coming to an end,
and ready to embrace you with an open heart!
Mother S left a very sweet text tonight,
with virtual kisses which I dearly missed.
I'll take care and enjoy, right :)
For the one last prayer,
God, I pray for peace and love to enter his soul today. Pray for him to lead his life happily even without me, that he will be wise in all decisions that he make. Father, guide him in your ways and show him how delightful this world can be.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
And all these days, I could only pray that God will keep me safe throughout the trip.
God is faithful.
For one thing, I know I am very blessed in my work, my career.
There's nothing that can possibly make me feel so whole after the end of the previous relationship - other than work.
I'm motivated, and the positive feedback and assurance from all my bosses spurred me even more.
Thank you Lord, for the miraculous things you have done in my life.
I can't wait for 2013 to end. I'll always remember this year I've through.
Full of agony and anguish, grief, hopelessness until I found You.
2014, bring it on.
I'm already exalted knowing the year is coming to an end,
and ready to embrace you with an open heart!
Mother S left a very sweet text tonight,
with virtual kisses which I dearly missed.
I'll take care and enjoy, right :)
For the one last prayer,
God, I pray for peace and love to enter his soul today. Pray for him to lead his life happily even without me, that he will be wise in all decisions that he make. Father, guide him in your ways and show him how delightful this world can be.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
I'm getting there. Am I?
Just did a minion test and this is the result:
I'm PHIL.
Phil is quite possibly the most happy-go-lucky of all the minions. He never takes himself too seriously – which makes him the ultimate team player when it comes to being willing to dress up as a baby at the toy store, or as a French maid around the house. He can always be found laughing and having a good time, making the most out of every situation. Phil loves to make others happy, too; finding ways to make a unicorn toy for Agnes out of whatever he can find around the house.
The 'ultimate team player' reminds me of the nomination I received this year for Teachers' Day. Loving to make others happy reminds me of how much I have done for this past relationship - which I've suffered and is STILL in the process of healing. If you're reading this, I strongly believe you're doing much better than I am. If you haven't, it's time to buck up.
And like what I've always been ranting about, my work is never going downhill. It just gets more and more, and really, I haven't worked so hard all my life. This is my first.
P tasked me with 2 other assignments just a few days ago. So I'm foreseeing myself working like a crazy bee in 2014.
1. Team of publicity; publicize school magazine + update fb regularly on behalf of him
2. Teacher i/c of String Ensemble
On top of this; for English Dept
1. P1 Level Rep
2. Anchor P1/2 Remedial programme
3. Scrabble Enrichment Package (pending)
4. MRL duties
How am I suppose to cope with these workload + 2/3 tuition assignments + Piano theory + Practical + Part-time Masters (Should I?)
Nevertheless, I'm gonna pray that God will again tide me through this trying period. Nobody says that it's going to be easy. Mother N has been very encouraging, and I can only pray that she will be my standing R.O next year.
I had been really down for the past few days, spouting negative feedback about the tasks assigned - which I've no idea why/how I did that in front of P. Nevertheless, Mother S has once again motivated me with a very sweet text, reiterating the point that she has not regretted recommending the pose to me.
The last thing that I could asked for, is to heal completely - I don't wish for this agony to carry on to 2014 and affects my work performance.
Have a little faith, Jessica.
I'm PHIL.
Phil is quite possibly the most happy-go-lucky of all the minions. He never takes himself too seriously – which makes him the ultimate team player when it comes to being willing to dress up as a baby at the toy store, or as a French maid around the house. He can always be found laughing and having a good time, making the most out of every situation. Phil loves to make others happy, too; finding ways to make a unicorn toy for Agnes out of whatever he can find around the house.
The 'ultimate team player' reminds me of the nomination I received this year for Teachers' Day. Loving to make others happy reminds me of how much I have done for this past relationship - which I've suffered and is STILL in the process of healing. If you're reading this, I strongly believe you're doing much better than I am. If you haven't, it's time to buck up.
And like what I've always been ranting about, my work is never going downhill. It just gets more and more, and really, I haven't worked so hard all my life. This is my first.
P tasked me with 2 other assignments just a few days ago. So I'm foreseeing myself working like a crazy bee in 2014.
1. Team of publicity; publicize school magazine + update fb regularly on behalf of him
2. Teacher i/c of String Ensemble
On top of this; for English Dept
1. P1 Level Rep
2. Anchor P1/2 Remedial programme
3. Scrabble Enrichment Package (pending)
4. MRL duties
How am I suppose to cope with these workload + 2/3 tuition assignments + Piano theory + Practical + Part-time Masters (Should I?)
Nevertheless, I'm gonna pray that God will again tide me through this trying period. Nobody says that it's going to be easy. Mother N has been very encouraging, and I can only pray that she will be my standing R.O next year.
I had been really down for the past few days, spouting negative feedback about the tasks assigned - which I've no idea why/how I did that in front of P. Nevertheless, Mother S has once again motivated me with a very sweet text, reiterating the point that she has not regretted recommending the pose to me.
The last thing that I could asked for, is to heal completely - I don't wish for this agony to carry on to 2014 and affects my work performance.
Have a little faith, Jessica.
Friday, November 15, 2013
15th November 2013 - My Last Day with 1 Creativity
Today marks the last day of my Form Teachership with 1 Creativity.
I can't believe I've stormed through and survived this difficult year.
This year hasn't had a good start to begin with...
There were countless mistakes made, tonnes of tears shed and painful lessons learnt.
I'm confident to say that I've changed for the better, and have become a much happier person.
:)
I can't forsee how life would be for me next year with so many things that I'm tasked with.
Having given my words to the leaders who have been giving me so much hope & opportunities, I know I can't disappoint them.
I vow to invest my time and effort and stay committed to it for as long as I'm called for.
I will be faithful and discharge my duties to the best of my abilities.
Today's speech day was a great success, though the food budget could have been better.
Headed to JB with the usual colleagues and it was fantastic!
Can't remember when was the last time I was there, but I've enjoyed the trip very much!
Looking forward to many more trips with them!
_________________________________________________________________________________
These were the words he used to tell me just days before we broke up.
"You are loved by all. That's one of the greatest attribute that one could possibly have"
He is right... :/
Asked if I've ever regretted moving on, frankly I haven't at all.
He was the least concern of my well-being when we were together.
Even after weeks of separation, there were no words of concern, remorse, guilt, shame for all that he had done to me.
I can't believe what my colleagues told me about him today.
I have been so silly all along. I still need time to heal...
It could be another month, another year or even more,
but I've faith that the next man that comes along will never stoop to his level, one that is unbelievably low.
P1 Orientation tomorrow.
Meeting my form class 1 Creativity 2014.
Yes, another set of twins, and 7 pupils with Js as their Christian names.
I hope this batch's gonna be much better than the previous, though my first form class had impressed me with their wonderful results they had produced.
More updates tomorrow.
Eyebags coming.
Nights world.
I can't believe I've stormed through and survived this difficult year.
This year hasn't had a good start to begin with...
There were countless mistakes made, tonnes of tears shed and painful lessons learnt.
I'm confident to say that I've changed for the better, and have become a much happier person.
:)
I can't forsee how life would be for me next year with so many things that I'm tasked with.
Having given my words to the leaders who have been giving me so much hope & opportunities, I know I can't disappoint them.
I vow to invest my time and effort and stay committed to it for as long as I'm called for.
I will be faithful and discharge my duties to the best of my abilities.
Today's speech day was a great success, though the food budget could have been better.
Headed to JB with the usual colleagues and it was fantastic!
Can't remember when was the last time I was there, but I've enjoyed the trip very much!
Looking forward to many more trips with them!
_________________________________________________________________________________
These were the words he used to tell me just days before we broke up.
"You are loved by all. That's one of the greatest attribute that one could possibly have"
He is right... :/
Asked if I've ever regretted moving on, frankly I haven't at all.
He was the least concern of my well-being when we were together.
Even after weeks of separation, there were no words of concern, remorse, guilt, shame for all that he had done to me.
I can't believe what my colleagues told me about him today.
I have been so silly all along. I still need time to heal...
It could be another month, another year or even more,
but I've faith that the next man that comes along will never stoop to his level, one that is unbelievably low.
P1 Orientation tomorrow.
Meeting my form class 1 Creativity 2014.
Yes, another set of twins, and 7 pupils with Js as their Christian names.
I hope this batch's gonna be much better than the previous, though my first form class had impressed me with their wonderful results they had produced.
More updates tomorrow.
Eyebags coming.
Nights world.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Feeling Great !
How long have I been away? I've started to lose count.
Happiness aren't short-lived. I've been pretty well and happy these past days!
I've been so overwhelmed with work, that he has finally escaped my mind.
Really, the Lord is good.
He takes away the evil, and replaces them with the good.
He took away my pain and sorrows, and restored them with hope and love.
He redeemed me for his glory. :)
I've been tasked with more workload; taking up stringed ensemble as my CCA,
with the hope of bringing them up to a whole new level.
Although I've been contemplating whether I should accept, I know this is God's calling.
Perhaps, it's an entry to a new discovery and learning too.
And yes, revamping and improving on the current P1 EL SOW is a hardcore energy-consuming work.
Nevertheless, I find it meaningful and certainly joyful in the process.
Working like a perfectionist yet again, I strive to roll out all the resources before Dec falls.
Work die me, but I'm determined to bring out the best in myself.
I can't wait for my new form class next year, though I've beginning to miss my current babies.
Teaching + PAL + Remedial Programme + CCA + Meetings + Trainings/ week = dead.
Plus, my piano + Masters. I'm wondering if I'm able to cope.
I'm gonna keep praying for His strength and wisdom to guide me through this tough period.
I've settled down well and have cordial relationships with my bosses and colleagues.
Felt so loved with their presence, especially Godma's.
Even with this loss, this hatred for the man I've once loved,
I thank him for entering into my life.
I wouldn't have known how appreciated and blessed I was if not for all these happenings.
For the one time I'm gonna declare, that I actually love being single. :)
Just within these 3 days, I've been asked the same question: "Are you married?"
As much as it makes me speechless, I'm surprised I could on both occasions muttered a quick no.
I'm glad these acquaintances make me feel like I'm sucha gem, waiting to be dug up.
I know God is preparing someone out there for me.
And at the right time, he will appear.
Meanwhile, enjoy life while I can.
Love,
JOJY
Happiness aren't short-lived. I've been pretty well and happy these past days!
I've been so overwhelmed with work, that he has finally escaped my mind.
Really, the Lord is good.
He takes away the evil, and replaces them with the good.
He took away my pain and sorrows, and restored them with hope and love.
He redeemed me for his glory. :)
I've been tasked with more workload; taking up stringed ensemble as my CCA,
with the hope of bringing them up to a whole new level.
Although I've been contemplating whether I should accept, I know this is God's calling.
Perhaps, it's an entry to a new discovery and learning too.
And yes, revamping and improving on the current P1 EL SOW is a hardcore energy-consuming work.
Nevertheless, I find it meaningful and certainly joyful in the process.
Working like a perfectionist yet again, I strive to roll out all the resources before Dec falls.
Work die me, but I'm determined to bring out the best in myself.
I can't wait for my new form class next year, though I've beginning to miss my current babies.
Teaching + PAL + Remedial Programme + CCA + Meetings + Trainings/ week = dead.
Plus, my piano + Masters. I'm wondering if I'm able to cope.
I'm gonna keep praying for His strength and wisdom to guide me through this tough period.
I've settled down well and have cordial relationships with my bosses and colleagues.
Felt so loved with their presence, especially Godma's.
Even with this loss, this hatred for the man I've once loved,
I thank him for entering into my life.
I wouldn't have known how appreciated and blessed I was if not for all these happenings.
For the one time I'm gonna declare, that I actually love being single. :)
Just within these 3 days, I've been asked the same question: "Are you married?"
As much as it makes me speechless, I'm surprised I could on both occasions muttered a quick no.
I'm glad these acquaintances make me feel like I'm sucha gem, waiting to be dug up.
I know God is preparing someone out there for me.
And at the right time, he will appear.
Meanwhile, enjoy life while I can.
Love,
JOJY
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Every night I'll log in for the same purpose, then I'll convince myself, don't look back and move on.
He's a jerk I never want to meet ever in my life again.
And my deep love for him has officially turned into hatred.
I don't care how he's doing, neither do I bother if he's very successful.
For I know, he has no true self, no true soul to stand by to withstand the storm.
Wishing him all the best!
He's a jerk I never want to meet ever in my life again.
And my deep love for him has officially turned into hatred.
I don't care how he's doing, neither do I bother if he's very successful.
For I know, he has no true self, no true soul to stand by to withstand the storm.
Wishing him all the best!
Monday, November 4, 2013
My sacrifice.
Happy Holiday everyone! :)
Finally caught THOR but I actually didn't enjoy it as much as I expected. Spent quality times with my cousins again, and I was reminded of how worthy it is to spend time with people who matters. I can't actually recall how long we have been separated, and how distraught I was. Has it been a month already?
Sometimes, we lead our life knowing well enough that everything is over. We try to move on, open our heart, accept someone new. But then again, the wound is still fresh. "Fall in love when you're ready, not when you're bored/lonely." I know for sure, that at this point in my life, I'm enjoying my single hood and is not ready for anyone else. It was the lousiest choice to move in and out of my past relationship within weeks. That must have explained the state I have landed myself in.
S said that I'm a strong woman, and that I'm the greatest girl he has ever met. I guess it has been long since someone complimented me so genuinely <3 I'm thankful for such sweet gesture and was reassured of the decision I have made.
Of course, this healing process is tough. There were still nights that I missed him so dearly I hugged my snowman and cried hard. There were also times that I drove on the highway, and a certain song reminded me of our beautiful memories, that silent tears dropped. I remembered how he would stop those tears, because they were once painful for him to see them. I couldn't forget how hard he fought for me to accept his love, and to move on from my previous relationship. He promised that he would bring me happiness. I was overjoyed. It was all a LIE.
Our relationship has come to an end. I hate the fact that I'm still clinging on to the broken pieces left hanging around. Why did he leave me behind? Why didn't he see my sacrifice for this love?
Tonight, I vow never to cry over us again. Cause PJJ, I hate you and I never wish to see you ever in my life again. I want to move on and find someone ten thousand times better than you.
From now on, you should mean nothing to me anymore. It's time I stop blogging about us. It's time I grab a life without you in my head. It's time I face the reality that everything is over. We're completely over. It has always been so clear, but I never got it. No words of apology, no guilt, no shame. This has been the man I've loved for 4 years.
I was blind but not anymore. I've woken up! Leave me to cry for the very last night... ...
Finally caught THOR but I actually didn't enjoy it as much as I expected. Spent quality times with my cousins again, and I was reminded of how worthy it is to spend time with people who matters. I can't actually recall how long we have been separated, and how distraught I was. Has it been a month already?
Sometimes, we lead our life knowing well enough that everything is over. We try to move on, open our heart, accept someone new. But then again, the wound is still fresh. "Fall in love when you're ready, not when you're bored/lonely." I know for sure, that at this point in my life, I'm enjoying my single hood and is not ready for anyone else. It was the lousiest choice to move in and out of my past relationship within weeks. That must have explained the state I have landed myself in.
S said that I'm a strong woman, and that I'm the greatest girl he has ever met. I guess it has been long since someone complimented me so genuinely <3 I'm thankful for such sweet gesture and was reassured of the decision I have made.
Of course, this healing process is tough. There were still nights that I missed him so dearly I hugged my snowman and cried hard. There were also times that I drove on the highway, and a certain song reminded me of our beautiful memories, that silent tears dropped. I remembered how he would stop those tears, because they were once painful for him to see them. I couldn't forget how hard he fought for me to accept his love, and to move on from my previous relationship. He promised that he would bring me happiness. I was overjoyed. It was all a LIE.
Our relationship has come to an end. I hate the fact that I'm still clinging on to the broken pieces left hanging around. Why did he leave me behind? Why didn't he see my sacrifice for this love?
Tonight, I vow never to cry over us again. Cause PJJ, I hate you and I never wish to see you ever in my life again. I want to move on and find someone ten thousand times better than you.
From now on, you should mean nothing to me anymore. It's time I stop blogging about us. It's time I grab a life without you in my head. It's time I face the reality that everything is over. We're completely over. It has always been so clear, but I never got it. No words of apology, no guilt, no shame. This has been the man I've loved for 4 years.
I was blind but not anymore. I've woken up! Leave me to cry for the very last night... ...
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Today's Feeling: Suffocated
This relationship has left me suffocated and badly scarred.
The deep sense of betrayal and hurt have let me feeling extremely afraid to open up my heart again.
I thought I wouldn't mind waiting for a year to move on, but frankly, I mind.
Each passing minute seems like a day, and the days seems like a year.
I can't breathe. I tried my best to fill my life with overwhelming activities.
But to the moment I hit my sack, I've wished he was part of those memories.
Just 2 days ago, his friend texted me, out of the blue.
I didn't want to share anything, because I am truly aware of his existence and motive.
I understand and have accepted that I may have met the right person at the wrong time,
and nothing can change the fact that we can never be back together again.
Perhaps, some endings are just new beginnings in disguise.
The deep sense of betrayal and hurt have let me feeling extremely afraid to open up my heart again.
I thought I wouldn't mind waiting for a year to move on, but frankly, I mind.
Each passing minute seems like a day, and the days seems like a year.
I can't breathe. I tried my best to fill my life with overwhelming activities.
But to the moment I hit my sack, I've wished he was part of those memories.
Just 2 days ago, his friend texted me, out of the blue.
I didn't want to share anything, because I am truly aware of his existence and motive.
I understand and have accepted that I may have met the right person at the wrong time,
and nothing can change the fact that we can never be back together again.
Perhaps, some endings are just new beginnings in disguise.
Dating a Boy versus a Man
- A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
- A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life). A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
- A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
- A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
- A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
- A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
- A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
- A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
- A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
- A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Processing the Pain of Loss
4 years ago, I was attached to the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I remember giving thanks everyday, for the relationship and love I had in my life. I trusted him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He's the one, I always thought.
Until one day, I realized that this man has made that destructive decision to ultimately break everything we had into pieces - including my fragile heart. Gradually, I began to discover that the person I used to adored and loved was not the person I thought I once knew.
J said I'm in a stage in which I refused to face my heart. I know I needed more time to heal and redefine the purpose of my life. As much as I can say I'm a confident and strong woman, it is no doubt that there were times I doubted my self-worth. I questioned myself - why is the man who claimed he so loved me bear to throw me away for something else? I was hurt, shattered, and my self-esteem plunged downright bottom.
I hung on to the faith that he would still text me one day, asking me how I am doing in my life. But he didn't. That's the most disappointing thing.
Sometimes, (though rarely nowadays), I felt terribly alone. To have your faith breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. I feel trapped in my own fantasy - that this man is bound to be mine for the rest of his life.
I wanted to resolve the differences between us. I guess he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he'd ignore me. And with time, I must have behaved like an troublemaker and time-consuming machine to him, that he desired to ditch. I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treated me like dirt. It was like one day, I was a world to him, and I received text messages that explained how appreciated I was. And the next moment, I was useless and irrelevant in his life.
I'm working very hard to pick myself up, to turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger and wiser.
Until one day, I realized that this man has made that destructive decision to ultimately break everything we had into pieces - including my fragile heart. Gradually, I began to discover that the person I used to adored and loved was not the person I thought I once knew.
J said I'm in a stage in which I refused to face my heart. I know I needed more time to heal and redefine the purpose of my life. As much as I can say I'm a confident and strong woman, it is no doubt that there were times I doubted my self-worth. I questioned myself - why is the man who claimed he so loved me bear to throw me away for something else? I was hurt, shattered, and my self-esteem plunged downright bottom.
I hung on to the faith that he would still text me one day, asking me how I am doing in my life. But he didn't. That's the most disappointing thing.
Sometimes, (though rarely nowadays), I felt terribly alone. To have your faith breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. I feel trapped in my own fantasy - that this man is bound to be mine for the rest of his life.
I wanted to resolve the differences between us. I guess he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he'd ignore me. And with time, I must have behaved like an troublemaker and time-consuming machine to him, that he desired to ditch. I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treated me like dirt. It was like one day, I was a world to him, and I received text messages that explained how appreciated I was. And the next moment, I was useless and irrelevant in his life.
I'm working very hard to pick myself up, to turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger and wiser.
Perhaps he just wasn’t capable of showing me care the way I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at the time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope, and cutting me off was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I just lived in denial during our relationship, and lived in a fantasy I created in my own head.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Today's Feeling: Immuned
Today as I browsed through some of our past photos, I could still feel a tinge of sadness and lost.
I still do miss him a lot...
PJJ, did you miss me today?
I wonder, have we become strangers overnight?
When I looked through our Vietnam photos, I was reminded of what he told me when we missed our flight; that it was not meant to be.
I remembered how he was so ready to let go of me, even when I was trying so hard to fight for us.
Now that I've waken up from my dream, I realize how the series of events have led me to this conclusion today; that I have to GIVE UP.
You know, the reason I'm still so strong, is knowing that one day, perhaps some day, we'll return and be like how we used to be.
R said: "Please use your intelligent mind and evaluate the situation. He does not want you anymore!"
But I sincerely believe that we're not over. I know that our love is special.
Or at least, I know I've loved this man wholeheartedly, and has given all that I could.
Le sigh, why am I so silly?
Work has replaced him in my life, and I'm finding myself drowning in more dept work, with my name appearing everywhere on the to-do list.
I'm happy, cuz it keeps my mind off him.
I enjoy staying in school till it closes, because office is the only place I think of him the least.
Dear Lord,
I pray for your presence in my life. I pray that you will reveal more of you to me each day, and show me the way that you want me to take. Thank you for staying by my side, protecting me and ensuring that I'm safe wherever I go. Thank you for all the wonderful people you have put in my life, to make this journey less saddening and disheartening. With you, Lord, I know you will be able to help me to walk out of my darkness very soon, and to overcome my fears of meeting new people. Help me to see that there are still good guys around, and give them the opportunity for me to open my hearts. Right now, Lord, my heart is dead. Help me to move on with a soften heart, with a heart that still cares and loves, to the rightful person. And if he's the one for me, Lord, show me to him.
I pray this in J's Almighty name, Amen.
I still do miss him a lot...
PJJ, did you miss me today?
I wonder, have we become strangers overnight?
When I looked through our Vietnam photos, I was reminded of what he told me when we missed our flight; that it was not meant to be.
I remembered how he was so ready to let go of me, even when I was trying so hard to fight for us.
Now that I've waken up from my dream, I realize how the series of events have led me to this conclusion today; that I have to GIVE UP.
You know, the reason I'm still so strong, is knowing that one day, perhaps some day, we'll return and be like how we used to be.
R said: "Please use your intelligent mind and evaluate the situation. He does not want you anymore!"
But I sincerely believe that we're not over. I know that our love is special.
Or at least, I know I've loved this man wholeheartedly, and has given all that I could.
Le sigh, why am I so silly?
Work has replaced him in my life, and I'm finding myself drowning in more dept work, with my name appearing everywhere on the to-do list.
I'm happy, cuz it keeps my mind off him.
I enjoy staying in school till it closes, because office is the only place I think of him the least.
Dear Lord,
I pray for your presence in my life. I pray that you will reveal more of you to me each day, and show me the way that you want me to take. Thank you for staying by my side, protecting me and ensuring that I'm safe wherever I go. Thank you for all the wonderful people you have put in my life, to make this journey less saddening and disheartening. With you, Lord, I know you will be able to help me to walk out of my darkness very soon, and to overcome my fears of meeting new people. Help me to see that there are still good guys around, and give them the opportunity for me to open my hearts. Right now, Lord, my heart is dead. Help me to move on with a soften heart, with a heart that still cares and loves, to the rightful person. And if he's the one for me, Lord, show me to him.
I pray this in J's Almighty name, Amen.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Today's Feeling: Fatigue
Even with the least number of tuition assignments that I could ever have in my life,
I'm still drained out from work; more work.
I'm glad that I'm where I'm today.
Although I've been missing him just as much (and honestly, I don't think he misses me),
I'm just gonna give myself the longest time to heal and move on.
Because through this life experience, I learn that it's alright to cry, to yearn and to be in pain.
hush hush, everything will be over soon...
And it's clear I'm not ready for any date, neither do I have the time and energy to.
I can't stop giving thanks to God everyday for putting all the good things in my life after his departure.
The people that I've met, the true colors that I've seen.
They said its high time I stop spending time with people who doesn't care, and spend time with people who are worthy.
Now I can't wait for my weekends to come.
Seriously, I've not anticipated the weekend to come for the longest time.
Sigh.
X said that I'm putting up a strong front,
deep now, I'm hurting more than anyone can see.
True friends know you best, even without a spoken word.
We've been spending a lot of time together, and YAY
still gleeful about the fact that I still have market value even at my ugliest.
Just praying that with each passing day, I'll muster more courage to forget about us,
or even pinning any hope that one day, fate will bring us together again.
Please convince me that love doesn't exist between us anymore and it's time to free my hand completely.
I'm still drained out from work; more work.
I'm glad that I'm where I'm today.
Although I've been missing him just as much (and honestly, I don't think he misses me),
I'm just gonna give myself the longest time to heal and move on.
Because through this life experience, I learn that it's alright to cry, to yearn and to be in pain.
hush hush, everything will be over soon...
And it's clear I'm not ready for any date, neither do I have the time and energy to.
I can't stop giving thanks to God everyday for putting all the good things in my life after his departure.
The people that I've met, the true colors that I've seen.
They said its high time I stop spending time with people who doesn't care, and spend time with people who are worthy.
Now I can't wait for my weekends to come.
Seriously, I've not anticipated the weekend to come for the longest time.
Sigh.
X said that I'm putting up a strong front,
deep now, I'm hurting more than anyone can see.
True friends know you best, even without a spoken word.
We've been spending a lot of time together, and YAY
still gleeful about the fact that I still have market value even at my ugliest.
Just praying that with each passing day, I'll muster more courage to forget about us,
or even pinning any hope that one day, fate will bring us together again.
Please convince me that love doesn't exist between us anymore and it's time to free my hand completely.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Today's Feeling: Confused
Work treated me fine today.
Came back and felt really lethargic.
No energy to even practise my piano, like how I always promise myself.
Sigh.
What do promises really entail today?
Are they just words to please and assure someone at that particular point in time, with no intention of holding them true?
Whenever I think of all the words he once said, that was once so dear to me,
I realized how cheap they were.
I'm such a gullible girl.
Then again, I know that I'm loved and taken care for all by that.
Gotten my deployment for EL this morning.
Was just as expected.
Shall blog more about it tomorrow.
Came back and felt really lethargic.
No energy to even practise my piano, like how I always promise myself.
Sigh.
What do promises really entail today?
Are they just words to please and assure someone at that particular point in time, with no intention of holding them true?
Whenever I think of all the words he once said, that was once so dear to me,
I realized how cheap they were.
I'm such a gullible girl.
Then again, I know that I'm loved and taken care for all by that.
Gotten my deployment for EL this morning.
Was just as expected.
Shall blog more about it tomorrow.
Today's Feeling: Refreshed
Saturday night was beyond words to describe.
I caught a movie, had my favourite Thai dinner, did some impulse shopping,
then embrace myself with good company, good band and fantastic alcohol! :)
H said that alcohol must be consumed with the best mood.
I wasn't drunk, I knew what was going on,
though I was really drowsy and had my hangover the next day.
It's a pity my heart and mind's still filled with images of us...
Just couldn't accept someone else who's out to court and date.
Gimme a few more months to recover and heal.
The wound's still fresh, the thought of us still hurts.
I know I can find someone better out there.
You know, this relationship made me realized how easily one could be replaced.
In less than a month, I've been replaced.
Our relationship has been based only on LOVE.
Our personality, character, perspectives about life and career aren't compatible.
Today I met someone who knows the 2 of us, not too well but well enough to give me some wise advice.
He said this:
"It's good that you both aren't together anymore. It was not meant to be from the start.
He seems to have not-so-good upbringing. His level of thinking is childish" - to put it blatantly.
I may have been too blinded when we were together.
I know I've always guided him in his life, but to him, he said that I was restricting him,
and that I am not a supportive girlfriend.
Sigh. He just couldn't see that I'm always thinking FOR him, thinking ABOUT him.
I'm just a silly girl loving a jerk - you call it.
I caught a movie, had my favourite Thai dinner, did some impulse shopping,
then embrace myself with good company, good band and fantastic alcohol! :)
H said that alcohol must be consumed with the best mood.
I wasn't drunk, I knew what was going on,
though I was really drowsy and had my hangover the next day.
It's a pity my heart and mind's still filled with images of us...
Just couldn't accept someone else who's out to court and date.
Gimme a few more months to recover and heal.
The wound's still fresh, the thought of us still hurts.
I know I can find someone better out there.
You know, this relationship made me realized how easily one could be replaced.
In less than a month, I've been replaced.
Our relationship has been based only on LOVE.
Our personality, character, perspectives about life and career aren't compatible.
Today I met someone who knows the 2 of us, not too well but well enough to give me some wise advice.
He said this:
"It's good that you both aren't together anymore. It was not meant to be from the start.
He seems to have not-so-good upbringing. His level of thinking is childish" - to put it blatantly.
I may have been too blinded when we were together.
I know I've always guided him in his life, but to him, he said that I was restricting him,
and that I am not a supportive girlfriend.
Sigh. He just couldn't see that I'm always thinking FOR him, thinking ABOUT him.
I'm just a silly girl loving a jerk - you call it.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Today's Feeling: Pissed
Today's course was good, insightful and too much information overload.
Feeling great until I decided to go for service.
God was good. He answered my prayer.
But there was something more that I could not comprehend.
He made me remember about my past again.
Can I remove myself from this world, or at least disappear from everyone here?
Really, if I were to drive in to Malaysia this Sunday alone,
will anyone even knows/cares/bothers?
I'm going to skip service to enter into my own world.
Feeling great until I decided to go for service.
God was good. He answered my prayer.
But there was something more that I could not comprehend.
He made me remember about my past again.
Can I remove myself from this world, or at least disappear from everyone here?
Really, if I were to drive in to Malaysia this Sunday alone,
will anyone even knows/cares/bothers?
I'm going to skip service to enter into my own world.
Broken Hearts
I've lost someone and it hurts.
I may have lost him suddenly, unexpectedly.
Or perhaps, I have been losing pieces of him until that fateful day, there was nothing left.
I have known him for 5 years, but I felt like I have barely known him at all.
Either way, it is irrelevant now - I cannot control the depth of the wound that this soul has inflicted upon me.
I don't convince myself that tomorrow will be a good day.
That the sun will go on shining.
Or there are plenty of fish in the sea.
What I need to know is this:
"It's okay to be hurting as much as I am. What I am feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes me so much more human."
I can't promise myself that I will get better with the days, but I am confident that it will - eventually.
For now, all I need is time. I will take all the time that I need to recover and heal.
God bless.
I may have lost him suddenly, unexpectedly.
Or perhaps, I have been losing pieces of him until that fateful day, there was nothing left.
I have known him for 5 years, but I felt like I have barely known him at all.
Either way, it is irrelevant now - I cannot control the depth of the wound that this soul has inflicted upon me.
I don't convince myself that tomorrow will be a good day.
That the sun will go on shining.
Or there are plenty of fish in the sea.
What I need to know is this:
"It's okay to be hurting as much as I am. What I am feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes me so much more human."
I can't promise myself that I will get better with the days, but I am confident that it will - eventually.
For now, all I need is time. I will take all the time that I need to recover and heal.
God bless.
Today's Feeling: Like a Friday
I realized how routine my life is...
I scored distinction for my music theory mock test, drew 3 stars for myself, and wanted to take a picture and sent it to him.
Almost did it, took the photo, to realize that he has been erased off my life!!!
Why am I still clinging on to my past? WHY!
On a happy note, J and I have signed up for a language class commencing next week.
It was a causal conversation and we ended up doing silly things together.
That's how good friends are for. :) Can't wait to learn more things and upgrade myself.
Officially made 2 plans to travel @ the end of this year. I am so eggcited!
Back to the land of smile, and somewhere chilly cold. I hope I can withstand the coldness without his warmth.
More shopping, more food, more love, no fights.
Like what everyone has been saying, I look so much happier without a relationship.
Carefree and smiling more radiantly.
And! I've put on weight too.
Fatter, rounder, sexier. <3
Have consumed 7 slices of cakes from my last breakup.
Just needed that sugar rush to make myself happy, and get my mind off him.
Endless dosage of coffee every single day too.
I hope I'm not submitting my life to diabetes or caffeine overdose.
Bank's also facing a crisis, need to curb my spendings.
But life's feels so much more worthy now that I'm doing things I had been so deprived of.
chilling at cafes over coffee, impromptu shoppings, exercise dates, attending services, gatherings on special occasions...
I realized I've been so wrong to revolve my life around him all the time, when he doesn't even want to commit that few minutes or seconds to text/call me.
I planned my schedule to fit into his, such that we have time together.
I guess that's the biggest mistake I can ever make!
My schedule for the next 3 weekends are packed to the brim.
Next week Karaoke & Halloween's gathering will be the peak of the month! :)
And why does it feels like a Friday today?
Dislike the idea that I'm on full day course tomorrow.
Hope I don't chance upon him around that area.
Fate, please do some work.
Just don't know how to face a person who has changed so much over such a short period of time...
The promises that he made still constantly rings in my mind.
You've hurt me very deeply, PJJ.
I scored distinction for my music theory mock test, drew 3 stars for myself, and wanted to take a picture and sent it to him.
Almost did it, took the photo, to realize that he has been erased off my life!!!
Why am I still clinging on to my past? WHY!
On a happy note, J and I have signed up for a language class commencing next week.
It was a causal conversation and we ended up doing silly things together.
That's how good friends are for. :) Can't wait to learn more things and upgrade myself.
Officially made 2 plans to travel @ the end of this year. I am so eggcited!
Back to the land of smile, and somewhere chilly cold. I hope I can withstand the coldness without his warmth.
More shopping, more food, more love, no fights.
Like what everyone has been saying, I look so much happier without a relationship.
Carefree and smiling more radiantly.
And! I've put on weight too.
Fatter, rounder, sexier. <3
Have consumed 7 slices of cakes from my last breakup.
Just needed that sugar rush to make myself happy, and get my mind off him.
Endless dosage of coffee every single day too.
I hope I'm not submitting my life to diabetes or caffeine overdose.
Bank's also facing a crisis, need to curb my spendings.
But life's feels so much more worthy now that I'm doing things I had been so deprived of.
chilling at cafes over coffee, impromptu shoppings, exercise dates, attending services, gatherings on special occasions...
I realized I've been so wrong to revolve my life around him all the time, when he doesn't even want to commit that few minutes or seconds to text/call me.
I planned my schedule to fit into his, such that we have time together.
I guess that's the biggest mistake I can ever make!
My schedule for the next 3 weekends are packed to the brim.
Next week Karaoke & Halloween's gathering will be the peak of the month! :)
And why does it feels like a Friday today?
Dislike the idea that I'm on full day course tomorrow.
Hope I don't chance upon him around that area.
Fate, please do some work.
Just don't know how to face a person who has changed so much over such a short period of time...
The promises that he made still constantly rings in my mind.
You've hurt me very deeply, PJJ.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Today's Feeling: Sleepy
Haven't been sleeping enough these few days.
Final year examination officially commence tomorrow, and this week calls the last week of all my tuition assignments.
I can't believe I actually made the decision to quit every single thing in my life to take a break.
So today, went into P's office to have a good chat with him.
Can't express how much I admire my boss's eye for detail and devotion to his staff.
Finally had the courage to tell him what happened the day when he saw me lying in the General Office.
What on Earth did I do? Was I so oblivious to the surrounding?!
He was trying to explain the state I was in when he saw me at the GO,
I can't helped but laughed it off.
He indeed knows a woman well.
And I hope I don't use that as an excuse for my poor performance (if any)
I thought everything has been pretty good, especially work.
RO's understanding, SL Godma has been my GA, Boss has been very caring.
Thank you everyone for all the time and effort to make me feel better during this tough period.
I've grown so much stronger and happier with each of your presence in my life.
I rarely had the time to go cafe hopping in the past, tied down with relationship commitments + tuition.
I fear the quietness when we sat beside each other, but no words were spoken.
I'm beginning to find back the lost self, and regained back the confidence I once lost.
I'm leaving all my life as it is, because I've learned to accept, not escape.
And today, as I had no contact time, I wondered if he was available to meet.
I asked myself if he were still together, would he spend the day with me?
Then, I quickly shrugged the idea off, because I remembered how I used to think that meeting me was a chore.
And today, I learn something new.
Getting into a relationship is not only about love. Yes, initially it's about love. But as you move and grow, it's about commitment. Since PJJ doesn't wish to commit anymore and finds it time-consuming, then I shall not waste my time on this unworthy person anymore.
pfft.
Final year examination officially commence tomorrow, and this week calls the last week of all my tuition assignments.
I can't believe I actually made the decision to quit every single thing in my life to take a break.
So today, went into P's office to have a good chat with him.
Can't express how much I admire my boss's eye for detail and devotion to his staff.
Finally had the courage to tell him what happened the day when he saw me lying in the General Office.
What on Earth did I do? Was I so oblivious to the surrounding?!
He was trying to explain the state I was in when he saw me at the GO,
I can't helped but laughed it off.
He indeed knows a woman well.
And I hope I don't use that as an excuse for my poor performance (if any)
I thought everything has been pretty good, especially work.
RO's understanding, SL Godma has been my GA, Boss has been very caring.
Thank you everyone for all the time and effort to make me feel better during this tough period.
I've grown so much stronger and happier with each of your presence in my life.
I rarely had the time to go cafe hopping in the past, tied down with relationship commitments + tuition.
I fear the quietness when we sat beside each other, but no words were spoken.
I'm beginning to find back the lost self, and regained back the confidence I once lost.
I'm leaving all my life as it is, because I've learned to accept, not escape.
And today, as I had no contact time, I wondered if he was available to meet.
I asked myself if he were still together, would he spend the day with me?
Then, I quickly shrugged the idea off, because I remembered how I used to think that meeting me was a chore.
And today, I learn something new.
Getting into a relationship is not only about love. Yes, initially it's about love. But as you move and grow, it's about commitment. Since PJJ doesn't wish to commit anymore and finds it time-consuming, then I shall not waste my time on this unworthy person anymore.
pfft.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Today's Feeling: Optimistic
Still daunting over the fact that we're over...
Heard that he has moved on.
It's time I picked myself up and walk out of this darkness.
I know it's silly to be making a wish now,
but PJJ (I'm sorry I'm the only one entitled to call you by this name, cuz it was given by ME!)
I hope that we can be friends like how we used to after we have healed.
Perhaps, its not the right time yet.
I believe we do not have the courage to face each other now, but one day we can and we will.
I've not blaming you for all the hurt you have inflicted, I had it all coming.
Just push yourself forward and do your best ok?
My only comfort, is to want you to soar above the rest without me as your burden anymore.
Jiayou!
Heard that he has moved on.
It's time I picked myself up and walk out of this darkness.
I know it's silly to be making a wish now,
but PJJ (I'm sorry I'm the only one entitled to call you by this name, cuz it was given by ME!)
I hope that we can be friends like how we used to after we have healed.
Perhaps, its not the right time yet.
I believe we do not have the courage to face each other now, but one day we can and we will.
I've not blaming you for all the hurt you have inflicted, I had it all coming.
Just push yourself forward and do your best ok?
My only comfort, is to want you to soar above the rest without me as your burden anymore.
Jiayou!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Today's Feeling: 沉默
第十一天了，你过得好吗？
你已经对我不闻不问了，我在你的记忆里已经消失了。
为何会到今天这种地步，为什么我们不能白头偕老？
为什么会分手？
知道你现在一定过的比我好，
一定希望我永远都把你忘掉。
没有了感情，你有难过吗？
你有哭泣吗？你有后悔吗？
你有挂念我的可爱吗？
好想你抱抱我，亲亲我。
握握我的小手，说你一定会争取我到底。
今晚，又再次为了我们伤心流泪。
心好痛，好痛。
知道原来在一起，你经常忙碌忘了我。
受了太多的委屈。。。
到底需要多久走出这种阴影。
在你的facebook 里，我的照片渐渐消失。
在你的whatsapp，iPhone 和 ipad wallpaper, 我们的照片也不存在了。
因为有了我们的合照，就是不专业。
我也都接受了。
问我在乎这些吗，我当然在乎。
Today, I went into P's office to talk about an incident that happened a month ago...
As we ended on an official note, he asked me about something personal.
I didn't know how to react in time...This is the first time P has come so close to me.
He said that last Friday, I appeared 'invisibly low', which I'm still wondering what he meant.
Had to brush off the topic by saying "I'll be fine"...
So thankful for such a wonderful boss.
He ended off by saying how his team would do anything to help me tide through difficult times,
I can't be more grateful.
At tough times like these, these people touched you right at the bottom of your heart.
I can't believe we've become strangers overnight...
I still wish for a miracle to happen.
My wishful thinking.
signing off,
STUPIDJES.
你已经对我不闻不问了，我在你的记忆里已经消失了。
为何会到今天这种地步，为什么我们不能白头偕老？
为什么会分手？
知道你现在一定过的比我好，
一定希望我永远都把你忘掉。
没有了感情，你有难过吗？
你有哭泣吗？你有后悔吗？
你有挂念我的可爱吗？
好想你抱抱我，亲亲我。
握握我的小手，说你一定会争取我到底。
今晚，又再次为了我们伤心流泪。
心好痛，好痛。
知道原来在一起，你经常忙碌忘了我。
受了太多的委屈。。。
到底需要多久走出这种阴影。
在你的facebook 里，我的照片渐渐消失。
在你的whatsapp，iPhone 和 ipad wallpaper, 我们的照片也不存在了。
因为有了我们的合照，就是不专业。
我也都接受了。
问我在乎这些吗，我当然在乎。
Today, I went into P's office to talk about an incident that happened a month ago...
As we ended on an official note, he asked me about something personal.
I didn't know how to react in time...This is the first time P has come so close to me.
He said that last Friday, I appeared 'invisibly low', which I'm still wondering what he meant.
Had to brush off the topic by saying "I'll be fine"...
So thankful for such a wonderful boss.
He ended off by saying how his team would do anything to help me tide through difficult times,
I can't be more grateful.
At tough times like these, these people touched you right at the bottom of your heart.
I can't believe we've become strangers overnight...
I still wish for a miracle to happen.
My wishful thinking.
signing off,
STUPIDJES.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Fear
I need to go for my foot reflex soon,
but I don't wish to run into him.
Not because I'm still pinning hopes on us,
But because he reminds me of all the pain.
You were once very loved, so loved, really.
My legs are aching terribly. :(
but I don't wish to run into him.
Not because I'm still pinning hopes on us,
But because he reminds me of all the pain.
You were once very loved, so loved, really.
My legs are aching terribly. :(
Today's Feeling: Happy
You know each time I log into blogger, I feel a deep sense of connection with my ex.
I hate to use the word 'ex' on him, but that's the hard truth.
PJJ has officially became my ex-boyfriend, pfft.
Today's service was on 'Actions Speak Louder'...
I felt so guilty after the service, felt like I've betrayed myself over the years.
GOD is right. He listens and He heals.
It made me reflect on the things my ex had said, and how it was merely words.
风凉话 you know?
Met up with N. at Carpenter and Cook for tea.
Realized we had so much to talk, 3 hours long of non-stop laughter and gossips.
Girls are so capable of that, seriously.
Still, as I idled on the seat, I can't stop thinking about our past beautiful love.
I still want to whine and do all the funny antics on you...
I still want to sleep talk, so that I'll get pecks and hugs unknowingly...
PJJ, you never know how devastated I am to know that we've ended.
The pain has become so unbearable that I fear talking about it.
And as I journey on in my life,
I cant give more thanks to know the friends and cousins who have stood by me all these while,
making me stronger and tougher everyday.
I've regained back what I've lost, my true self.
After 8 years of long relationship marathon, I finally found the time for myself to do things I want.
I never have to think about how I can fit into someone's schedule,
and getting paranoid over his silly acts.
2 year-end trips planned.
I can't wait to get out of this country and be with people who love me, and totally worthy of my time...
I hate to use the word 'ex' on him, but that's the hard truth.
PJJ has officially became my ex-boyfriend, pfft.
Today's service was on 'Actions Speak Louder'...
I felt so guilty after the service, felt like I've betrayed myself over the years.
GOD is right. He listens and He heals.
It made me reflect on the things my ex had said, and how it was merely words.
风凉话 you know?
Met up with N. at Carpenter and Cook for tea.
Realized we had so much to talk, 3 hours long of non-stop laughter and gossips.
Girls are so capable of that, seriously.
Still, as I idled on the seat, I can't stop thinking about our past beautiful love.
I still want to whine and do all the funny antics on you...
I still want to sleep talk, so that I'll get pecks and hugs unknowingly...
PJJ, you never know how devastated I am to know that we've ended.
The pain has become so unbearable that I fear talking about it.
And as I journey on in my life,
I cant give more thanks to know the friends and cousins who have stood by me all these while,
making me stronger and tougher everyday.
I've regained back what I've lost, my true self.
After 8 years of long relationship marathon, I finally found the time for myself to do things I want.
I never have to think about how I can fit into someone's schedule,
and getting paranoid over his silly acts.
2 year-end trips planned.
I can't wait to get out of this country and be with people who love me, and totally worthy of my time...
Just a few words...
I've realized how deeply hurt I am in this past relationship...
I've never thought I could just leave without a word.
I didn't want any explanation.
At the back of my mind, I know it has to be over...
How long will I ever take to drop this topic?
So hurt by the words that you've said, the way you have treated me...
Today, as I chilled over a cuppa coffee at PasaBella and Coffee Bean,
I realized how deprived I was for the past few months,
of such heart-to-talk conversations with you.
A man I call my love, that I fought so hard for,
I'm heartbroken and shattered. :'(
Where's your caressing hands to brush off my hair and dry my tears?
I've never thought I could just leave without a word.
I didn't want any explanation.
At the back of my mind, I know it has to be over...
How long will I ever take to drop this topic?
So hurt by the words that you've said, the way you have treated me...
Today, as I chilled over a cuppa coffee at PasaBella and Coffee Bean,
I realized how deprived I was for the past few months,
of such heart-to-talk conversations with you.
A man I call my love, that I fought so hard for,
I'm heartbroken and shattered. :'(
Where's your caressing hands to brush off my hair and dry my tears?
Today's Feeling: Contented
I had an eventful Saturday today. Cheers!
Usual morning routine and headed to Carpenters and Cook for lunch with the MJ gang.
It was a quick one, I didn't have the time to enjoy the quaint and vintage setting of it.
And yes! Heading back tomorrow with N. for tea and more catch-up! :)
It's pathetic how we have so little time for one another even though we're colleagues.
Such is life!
Then we went to Beauty World for a jigsaw challenge; Da Vinci Code.
We were given limited clues, had to unlock 5 chest boxes and retrieve the final key to escape from the room that we were locked in.
Extremely exciting and mind-blowing.
I enjoyed it very much! :)
would be better if it could be less pricey. Boo.
Spent our evening at PasarBella at GrandStand.
Can't explain how I adore the western feel there, indeed a romantic place for a hot date!
And dinner was spent with cousin J!
Have to procrastinate my piano revision again!
Even after such a fabulous night with these fun-loving people,
I still think about how he's doing in his work and life.
I know I shouldn't care about him anymore, but it's hard.
I'll look at the clock and ask myself,
what will we be doing now if we're still together?
Will we be quarreling, catching a movie, or cuddling in bed?
Then I'll shove off this idea by reminding myself that this man,
he has long forgotten me, and doesn't wanna spend time with me anymore...
TOO BUSY FOR ME.
Chanced upon this quote earlier and it says,
STOP SPENDING TIME WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE.
--> Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room and time for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.
AGREE MAX.
Usual morning routine and headed to Carpenters and Cook for lunch with the MJ gang.
It was a quick one, I didn't have the time to enjoy the quaint and vintage setting of it.
And yes! Heading back tomorrow with N. for tea and more catch-up! :)
It's pathetic how we have so little time for one another even though we're colleagues.
Such is life!
Then we went to Beauty World for a jigsaw challenge; Da Vinci Code.
We were given limited clues, had to unlock 5 chest boxes and retrieve the final key to escape from the room that we were locked in.
Extremely exciting and mind-blowing.
I enjoyed it very much! :)
would be better if it could be less pricey. Boo.
Spent our evening at PasarBella at GrandStand.
Can't explain how I adore the western feel there, indeed a romantic place for a hot date!
And dinner was spent with cousin J!
Have to procrastinate my piano revision again!
Even after such a fabulous night with these fun-loving people,
I still think about how he's doing in his work and life.
I know I shouldn't care about him anymore, but it's hard.
I'll look at the clock and ask myself,
what will we be doing now if we're still together?
Will we be quarreling, catching a movie, or cuddling in bed?
Then I'll shove off this idea by reminding myself that this man,
he has long forgotten me, and doesn't wanna spend time with me anymore...
TOO BUSY FOR ME.
Chanced upon this quote earlier and it says,
STOP SPENDING TIME WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE.
--> Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room and time for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.
AGREE MAX.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Dedicated to my belovedS
Lost an unworthy young man, gained lots of true friendship.
<3 you,
SL Godma... who accompanied me, called me every moment you know I needed someone.
Ah Xian... who is already on the verge of giving me a good smashing.
Rach Meimei... for the silly laughters and jokes that cracked me up.
Poly brothers... checking on me every now and then to ensure I'm okay.
DEAREST COUSINS Jorin, Gerene, Lydia... they never fail to plaster a smile across my face, to dry my tears when they flow like an endless tap.
DEAREST COUSINS Jorin, Gerene, Lydia... they never fail to plaster a smile across my face, to dry my tears when they flow like an endless tap.
Erine... Jac... Alastair... Nurul... Belle... The list goes on...
And lastly, for you,
for being a part of my life.
:)
For the last time, I love you!
Take care ok?
Do your best in what you do, but remember these words.
GRACE & WISDOM.
Today's Feeling: Exuberant
It had been a fantastic Friday today.
God has showed me that even without the man in my life, I'm still surviving well,
in fact, so much happier! :)
Praise the Lord!
PSLE marking ended early today.
Came home for a quick nap and headed out with Rach Meimei for tea and catch-up!
It was great!
We had so much to talk about, and I felt completely comfortable with her.
Once again, friends like this made me realized how cherished and loved I am.
Why am I so silly to ponder over this man who has already given up on us?
Perhaps, he's already leading a very good life, or have even fallen for someone else.
Move on strong, Jes!
Rach made me realized how stupid I was to think that I m a lousy girlfriend when he had treated our relationship as a deal/transaction.
"if you buy a policy from me, OK I SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU! because in that way, I won't be a bastard.
TOTAL BULLSHIT!
To know that he's only willing to spend more time with me only when I've showed my support in the monetary form, I know I have to let this man go... No matter how painful it is.
I thought I've done well in many areas, albeit not all.
I remember how I had left him alone when he was unwell, while I was out celebrating with my friends.
I might have been selfish, SO WHAT?!
That was the only time I did.
I could remember how I flew from Jurong to Hougang just to visit him when he had a high fever...
But vividly I remembered, he refused to tell me how he was feeling.
He was always hiding his feelings, and I'm always trying to search for an answer.
He doesn't realize how hard and bad it was for me, getting to know him better each day.
Then, he said that he's too busy for me... That I'm no longer important.
He didn't remember how I stayed by him when he had bad sales day, sacrificing my rest time to comfort and listen.
The message that he sent that very night still engraved in my mind:
"I love you bb. Thanks for always being there for me"
Was this a lie, or was I too gullible to take him for his words?
Reflecting back in this relationship, I've done well, far better than what I thought I could.
I've given my best and I have no regrets.
I'm no longer crying over the loss of this relationship anymore.
Twice I've come to the same conclusion, I know I'm right this time.
Through these tumultuous 4 years, I can't forget every moment that we had spent.
I still keep the memories deep in my heart, still think of you everyday,
still expecting a morning and good night message each time...
But gradually, I know that your name's gonna disappear from my whatsapp and phone list.
I've been thinking a lot about this relationship, and at some point, I still thought of salvaging it.
I'll be asking this all the time: Does he really loves me???
And the answer has always been NO.
He didn't bother about what I did during school celebration.
He didn't bother asking how my Captain America's outfit looked like on Children's Day.
I didn't receive any surprise (concerned) text from him when I was overseas with my colleagues.
Most importantly, I don't think he even knows my fixed tuition schedule weekly.
That even when he has no plans, he did not bother to check if we could spend more time together.
WHY AND HOW TO SALVAGE TELL ME!
Being too busy for me is no longer an excuse.
I've accepted the fact that you haven loved me as much anymore.
However, seeing you grown and change over these years, I've nothing but a sense of fulfillment.
Leaving you all alone to soar, I believe you can do it!!!
I'm sorry I can't be there to see you through the next few centuries,
but I sincerely wish that you have the very best of your next chapter with your other half...
After one whole round, we're back to square ones. BIG SIGH.
As of today, I've progressed to another level.
PJJ is no longer the most important person in my life ever!
I've officially erased him off (well, at least for the time being, I hope I don't rant about how much I miss him tomorrow),
and soon, he will be replaced.
:) :) :)
ps: 1 week done, 51 weeks more to heal.
God has showed me that even without the man in my life, I'm still surviving well,
in fact, so much happier! :)
Praise the Lord!
PSLE marking ended early today.
Came home for a quick nap and headed out with Rach Meimei for tea and catch-up!
It was great!
We had so much to talk about, and I felt completely comfortable with her.
Once again, friends like this made me realized how cherished and loved I am.
Why am I so silly to ponder over this man who has already given up on us?
Perhaps, he's already leading a very good life, or have even fallen for someone else.
Move on strong, Jes!
Rach made me realized how stupid I was to think that I m a lousy girlfriend when he had treated our relationship as a deal/transaction.
"if you buy a policy from me, OK I SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU! because in that way, I won't be a bastard.
TOTAL BULLSHIT!
To know that he's only willing to spend more time with me only when I've showed my support in the monetary form, I know I have to let this man go... No matter how painful it is.
I thought I've done well in many areas, albeit not all.
I remember how I had left him alone when he was unwell, while I was out celebrating with my friends.
I might have been selfish, SO WHAT?!
That was the only time I did.
I could remember how I flew from Jurong to Hougang just to visit him when he had a high fever...
But vividly I remembered, he refused to tell me how he was feeling.
He was always hiding his feelings, and I'm always trying to search for an answer.
He doesn't realize how hard and bad it was for me, getting to know him better each day.
Then, he said that he's too busy for me... That I'm no longer important.
He didn't remember how I stayed by him when he had bad sales day, sacrificing my rest time to comfort and listen.
The message that he sent that very night still engraved in my mind:
"I love you bb. Thanks for always being there for me"
Was this a lie, or was I too gullible to take him for his words?
Reflecting back in this relationship, I've done well, far better than what I thought I could.
I've given my best and I have no regrets.
I'm no longer crying over the loss of this relationship anymore.
Twice I've come to the same conclusion, I know I'm right this time.
Through these tumultuous 4 years, I can't forget every moment that we had spent.
I still keep the memories deep in my heart, still think of you everyday,
still expecting a morning and good night message each time...
But gradually, I know that your name's gonna disappear from my whatsapp and phone list.
I've been thinking a lot about this relationship, and at some point, I still thought of salvaging it.
I'll be asking this all the time: Does he really loves me???
And the answer has always been NO.
He didn't bother about what I did during school celebration.
He didn't bother asking how my Captain America's outfit looked like on Children's Day.
I didn't receive any surprise (concerned) text from him when I was overseas with my colleagues.
Most importantly, I don't think he even knows my fixed tuition schedule weekly.
That even when he has no plans, he did not bother to check if we could spend more time together.
WHY AND HOW TO SALVAGE TELL ME!
Being too busy for me is no longer an excuse.
I've accepted the fact that you haven loved me as much anymore.
However, seeing you grown and change over these years, I've nothing but a sense of fulfillment.
Leaving you all alone to soar, I believe you can do it!!!
I'm sorry I can't be there to see you through the next few centuries,
but I sincerely wish that you have the very best of your next chapter with your other half...
After one whole round, we're back to square ones. BIG SIGH.
As of today, I've progressed to another level.
PJJ is no longer the most important person in my life ever!
I've officially erased him off (well, at least for the time being, I hope I don't rant about how much I miss him tomorrow),
and soon, he will be replaced.
:) :) :)
ps: 1 week done, 51 weeks more to heal.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Today's Feeling: Down
I've got the monkey, SL Godma told me this last week.
Yes, I'm still healing from the loss, and I don't know how much I can take.
I've mustered the courage to do a few things that I've always wanted to.
The next biggest challenge, is to book an air ticket and get out of this country!
Tonight, is the second time I'm crying over us...
Honey, I can't explain how much I miss this relationship.
We've been through all the good times, tide through the difficult times,
to be together as one... How did we get lost?
Remember how I used to say, you can never kiss or hug anyone even if we're not together...
That I should be your one and only all your life.
I'm no longer that special one.
As I look through all the conversation we once had,
it made me realized how succinct the replies were.
It was as though they came to pacify me, no longer an expression of love and passion.
I've lost a good buddy, a Guardian Angel, and one who used to be there for me all the time...
J said it's time I start prioritizing myself before others...
Being sucha nice girl hurts a lot.
Maybe he was right.
We should all learn to be selfish...
Today, I've learned that the best thing that had ever happened,
is to let him go... :)
Getting stronger by the day, jiayou JES!
Yes, I'm still healing from the loss, and I don't know how much I can take.
I've mustered the courage to do a few things that I've always wanted to.
The next biggest challenge, is to book an air ticket and get out of this country!
Tonight, is the second time I'm crying over us...
Honey, I can't explain how much I miss this relationship.
We've been through all the good times, tide through the difficult times,
to be together as one... How did we get lost?
Remember how I used to say, you can never kiss or hug anyone even if we're not together...
That I should be your one and only all your life.
I'm no longer that special one.
As I look through all the conversation we once had,
it made me realized how succinct the replies were.
It was as though they came to pacify me, no longer an expression of love and passion.
I've lost a good buddy, a Guardian Angel, and one who used to be there for me all the time...
J said it's time I start prioritizing myself before others...
Being sucha nice girl hurts a lot.
Maybe he was right.
We should all learn to be selfish...
Today, I've learned that the best thing that had ever happened,
is to let him go... :)
Getting stronger by the day, jiayou JES!
Painful.
This night seems long, and I can't focus anymore.
Take me away Lord, to a place where I can be in your arms.
Take me away Lord, to a place where I can be in your arms.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Today's Feeling: Listless
PSLE Marking Day 2 is boring as ever.
Being a teacher encompasses more than just teaching alone.
Not in the best mood to go for work tomorrow.
Just wish I could take the days off from work to spend some time alone.
Why am I still suffering from this breakup?
I thought I've moved on well?
This breakup seems unofficial; too insincere.
How can we end a relationship over the phone?
Then again, I don't wish to have any more to do with this man.
It's amazing how I've derived at this stage, where I refused to listen anymore.
Truth is, I've anticipated this since the beginning of last week...
I guess I was just waiting for him to say it.
But when it came, I couldn't accept it that it has to be over.
I've pinned so much hope on this man,
always dreaming how this man would buy me a diamond ring and propose to me...
Why am I so gullible?
Just a mental note to myself,
that I'm still loved by many out there.
I can't show enough appreciation, I may be a total letdown,
and sometimes, I wish they can just leave me alone.
To him, life still goes on.
I'm nothing but a burden to him.
If there's ever an insurance that can protect me from harm and heartache,
I promise to buy them without hesitation.
Lord, stay with me tonight, will you?
Being a teacher encompasses more than just teaching alone.
Not in the best mood to go for work tomorrow.
Just wish I could take the days off from work to spend some time alone.
Why am I still suffering from this breakup?
I thought I've moved on well?
This breakup seems unofficial; too insincere.
How can we end a relationship over the phone?
Then again, I don't wish to have any more to do with this man.
It's amazing how I've derived at this stage, where I refused to listen anymore.
Truth is, I've anticipated this since the beginning of last week...
I guess I was just waiting for him to say it.
But when it came, I couldn't accept it that it has to be over.
I've pinned so much hope on this man,
always dreaming how this man would buy me a diamond ring and propose to me...
Why am I so gullible?
Just a mental note to myself,
that I'm still loved by many out there.
I can't show enough appreciation, I may be a total letdown,
and sometimes, I wish they can just leave me alone.
To him, life still goes on.
I'm nothing but a burden to him.
If there's ever an insurance that can protect me from harm and heartache,
I promise to buy them without hesitation.
Lord, stay with me tonight, will you?
Today's Feeling: Mixed
It's a public holiday today, and I'm feeling all time down.
Wanted to drive to Kovan for my weekly foot massage, but decided to change my mind.
Should avoid seeing him for now; I know he hates the sight of me. :(
Went for a 2 hour long facial treatment and spent a bomb there.
It's always nice to splurge.
I've spent more than a thousand for the past few days...
ipad mini, collagen, supplements, facial treatments...
Spent my evening with ah xian, chilling over cakes and coffee at bakerzin.
The same place Godma brought me to last Friday, when I broke down and finished all the tissues on our desks.
This place indeed brought back tonnes of wonderful memories...
It's a place where I'll wait for him faithfully every Friday in the past, for him to book out.
A place where I'll do my markings and wait for my love to appear.
Today, this place has become a nest for me to heal my wound.
a comfort zone where I can pour my sorrows.
Slowly, the memories shall fade, and I will move on with a tougher heart...
And as I sit here and type all this,
I secretly wish you have had a good day.
Did you?
I know you've missed me, that's the love I know that we hold.
But we'll be fine very soon, I pray.
Wanted to drive to Kovan for my weekly foot massage, but decided to change my mind.
Should avoid seeing him for now; I know he hates the sight of me. :(
Went for a 2 hour long facial treatment and spent a bomb there.
It's always nice to splurge.
I've spent more than a thousand for the past few days...
ipad mini, collagen, supplements, facial treatments...
Spent my evening with ah xian, chilling over cakes and coffee at bakerzin.
The same place Godma brought me to last Friday, when I broke down and finished all the tissues on our desks.
This place indeed brought back tonnes of wonderful memories...
It's a place where I'll wait for him faithfully every Friday in the past, for him to book out.
A place where I'll do my markings and wait for my love to appear.
Today, this place has become a nest for me to heal my wound.
a comfort zone where I can pour my sorrows.
Slowly, the memories shall fade, and I will move on with a tougher heart...
And as I sit here and type all this,
I secretly wish you have had a good day.
Did you?
I know you've missed me, that's the love I know that we hold.
But we'll be fine very soon, I pray.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Today's Feeling: Blue
Feeling the Monday blue today.
Are you feeling just the way I am?
I've been thinking about our relationship this entire day.
Still living in the denial stage.
PSLE Marking Day 1 was dead boring.
Only cleared one stack of recording.
Parked and saw WK the moment I came out from the car.
He was smiling radiantly, all ready to 'welcome' me into the marking centre.
Was indeed glad to see so many familiar faces, though I still prefer to see my children instead.
Perhaps, that because I always love to stay in my comfort zone.
He was my comfort zone, a place where I feel safe and warm.
Slept the entire evening when I came home,
was reluctant to head down for tuition but still went on.
It's time to leave my work, and seek peace and love elsewhere.
After 5 years of battling, I'm exhausted.
I wish to slow down my pace to enjoy the serenity around.
Year-end Australia trip, should I or shouldn't I?
I vow to give myself one year to get over us.
One year to move on.
Then again, 365 days seem too long a time...
I can do better than this, I know.
And last night, J told me something before we ended our conversation.
J: "Go sleep, God will send you a preview of your future husband'
True enough, I saw someone in my dream.
It was so real, but I cried and retaliated.
You know the reason why.
I've been pondering a lot about the 4 years we have spent together.
I could still remember the last movie we watched.
"We're the Millers" at Cineleisure.
We were still so lovely and sweet.
The last steamboat we had, at Bugis, indulging in some quality time tgt.
The last flight that we took, although it was more adventurous than expected.
The last night that we slept, on the day I came back from Bangkok.
and the last Nakhon that we had, just before I took off.
But I just couldn't remember the last heart-to-heart talk we had...
I've always thought I hold a special place in your heart.
I know you best, and support you in your decisions that you made.
On your bad sales day, I sacrifice my sleep just to talk to you, hoping that I could make you whole again.
On good days, I rejoice with you, knowing that you've achieved a level higher.
4 years ago, you promised that you could give me a better life after your national service.
I waited patiently.
Now that the days are here, I was told that I'm no longer important in your life.
Your priorities have shifted, and I'm no longer in you anymore.
I'm always put off to a later date.
I'm always expected to understand your schedule and to speak to you only when you have the time.
When I finally decide that this is enough, the hurt inflicted has become too much.
Every night, I die a little more, accepting the fact that we're over.
Are you feeling just the way I am?
I've been thinking about our relationship this entire day.
Still living in the denial stage.
PSLE Marking Day 1 was dead boring.
Only cleared one stack of recording.
Parked and saw WK the moment I came out from the car.
He was smiling radiantly, all ready to 'welcome' me into the marking centre.
Was indeed glad to see so many familiar faces, though I still prefer to see my children instead.
Perhaps, that because I always love to stay in my comfort zone.
He was my comfort zone, a place where I feel safe and warm.
Slept the entire evening when I came home,
was reluctant to head down for tuition but still went on.
It's time to leave my work, and seek peace and love elsewhere.
After 5 years of battling, I'm exhausted.
I wish to slow down my pace to enjoy the serenity around.
Year-end Australia trip, should I or shouldn't I?
I vow to give myself one year to get over us.
One year to move on.
Then again, 365 days seem too long a time...
I can do better than this, I know.
And last night, J told me something before we ended our conversation.
J: "Go sleep, God will send you a preview of your future husband'
True enough, I saw someone in my dream.
It was so real, but I cried and retaliated.
You know the reason why.
I've been pondering a lot about the 4 years we have spent together.
I could still remember the last movie we watched.
"We're the Millers" at Cineleisure.
We were still so lovely and sweet.
The last steamboat we had, at Bugis, indulging in some quality time tgt.
The last flight that we took, although it was more adventurous than expected.
The last night that we slept, on the day I came back from Bangkok.
and the last Nakhon that we had, just before I took off.
But I just couldn't remember the last heart-to-heart talk we had...
I've always thought I hold a special place in your heart.
I know you best, and support you in your decisions that you made.
On your bad sales day, I sacrifice my sleep just to talk to you, hoping that I could make you whole again.
On good days, I rejoice with you, knowing that you've achieved a level higher.
4 years ago, you promised that you could give me a better life after your national service.
I waited patiently.
Now that the days are here, I was told that I'm no longer important in your life.
Your priorities have shifted, and I'm no longer in you anymore.
I'm always put off to a later date.
I'm always expected to understand your schedule and to speak to you only when you have the time.
When I finally decide that this is enough, the hurt inflicted has become too much.
Every night, I die a little more, accepting the fact that we're over.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Today's Feeling: Cheerful
I had an awesome Sunday. It hasn't been this perfect for the longest time!
Was out for half the day, and felt entirely accomplished.
Today's service was great. It was about 'Finding Rest during Restless Days'
Meaningful isn't it?
God always speaks to me at the most appropriate time.
He knows exactly how to make me feel better during times like this.
Thank you Lord.
Still remember the first time I attended CEFC after years,
the first word God spoke to me,
was that He Knows Everything I'm going through.
The Lord is indeed gracious in his dealings.
Today, as I returned to Christianity,
God spoke to me again.
Just how AMAZING can He be.
Prayed about everything that we're going through.
The best that had happened, was that SL Godma's gonna be teaching p1 next year!!!
It is the best news of all that I have.
:)
So it was a family outing day today.
Spent my afternoon with my cousins and relatives, hopping from malls to malls,
playing badminton to swimming.
One word: FANTABULOUS.
Now that I'm back, my whole's body is aching.
Feeling really light-hearted today. :)
Packed my books and clothes, cleared my bed.
Finally decided to look through the Prudential package I received days ago.
Had wanted to bring it over for him to go through with me,
looks like I've got to depend on myself now.
Anyway, it's just an acknowledgement letter to sign.
Will be mailing out tomorrow. :)
Nothing sad to be mentioned today.
I'm a happy girl now!
Sweet sweet dreams, and may I not sleep talk tonight.
<3
Was out for half the day, and felt entirely accomplished.
Today's service was great. It was about 'Finding Rest during Restless Days'
Meaningful isn't it?
God always speaks to me at the most appropriate time.
He knows exactly how to make me feel better during times like this.
Thank you Lord.
Still remember the first time I attended CEFC after years,
the first word God spoke to me,
was that He Knows Everything I'm going through.
The Lord is indeed gracious in his dealings.
Today, as I returned to Christianity,
God spoke to me again.
Just how AMAZING can He be.
Prayed about everything that we're going through.
The best that had happened, was that SL Godma's gonna be teaching p1 next year!!!
It is the best news of all that I have.
:)
So it was a family outing day today.
Spent my afternoon with my cousins and relatives, hopping from malls to malls,
playing badminton to swimming.
One word: FANTABULOUS.
Now that I'm back, my whole's body is aching.
Feeling really light-hearted today. :)
Packed my books and clothes, cleared my bed.
Finally decided to look through the Prudential package I received days ago.
Had wanted to bring it over for him to go through with me,
looks like I've got to depend on myself now.
Anyway, it's just an acknowledgement letter to sign.
Will be mailing out tomorrow. :)
Nothing sad to be mentioned today.
I'm a happy girl now!
Sweet sweet dreams, and may I not sleep talk tonight.
<3
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Today's Feeling: Fine
I wonder why I have the habit of blogging during my down times.
I realized I learned that in a HK show I've watched prev, that if you blog each time you're unhappy, your sadness quickly disappears.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wedding dinner isn't as fantastic as what I expected.
Thank God. If not, I would have been overwhelmed with too much emotional roller coasters.
SL Godma sent me a pic of her wedding dinner she attended at chimes.
The place looks really lovely and glamorous!
What an ideal wedding place!!
K so my relationship has just ended and I'm talking about marriage and wedding.
well done.
Sometimes, I don't know what I'm thinking about.
Tonight, I pray for peace to be with him, that he will be safe.
I pray that his work will be smooth, and he finds joy in all that he does.
Father Lord, I pray that he leads a happier life than me, and armed him with all the positivity he needs to fight his world. I may not understand the stress he's going through, so Father, help me to see that he has done all that he could, and it's time I take my leave. And as we take on different paths after 4 years, help us to keep these memories deep in our heart. Help us to remember the wonderful times we had spent and the love we had shared for they were marvellous. Thank you Lord.
In Jesus name, Amen.
I realized I learned that in a HK show I've watched prev, that if you blog each time you're unhappy, your sadness quickly disappears.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wedding dinner isn't as fantastic as what I expected.
Thank God. If not, I would have been overwhelmed with too much emotional roller coasters.
SL Godma sent me a pic of her wedding dinner she attended at chimes.
The place looks really lovely and glamorous!
What an ideal wedding place!!
K so my relationship has just ended and I'm talking about marriage and wedding.
well done.
Sometimes, I don't know what I'm thinking about.
Tonight, I pray for peace to be with him, that he will be safe.
I pray that his work will be smooth, and he finds joy in all that he does.
Father Lord, I pray that he leads a happier life than me, and armed him with all the positivity he needs to fight his world. I may not understand the stress he's going through, so Father, help me to see that he has done all that he could, and it's time I take my leave. And as we take on different paths after 4 years, help us to keep these memories deep in our heart. Help us to remember the wonderful times we had spent and the love we had shared for they were marvellous. Thank you Lord.
In Jesus name, Amen.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Back to the old days...
This relationship has left me with umpteenth questions running in my head...
- Has he always wanted to leave, thats why he insisted that we shouldn't travel this year end?
- Did he just make use of me to get more policy from him, so as to feed his pocket?
- Did we carry on this relationship for the fear of a change in routine?
- Did he want to stay together so that I could ferry him around on good days?
- Has he fallen for another girl that he has met recently?
- Is he really too busy to commit his life to me anymore? then what were all the promises that he had made all these years?
Few years ago when we first got together, he was serving the nation. His life was tough. He hated everything that he had to go through and put up with. I stayed with him, supporting him in the littlest ways I could. During the 4 months of arduous training at Tekong, I waited for him faithfully every Friday at White Sands. I have never been late each time he booked out. I succeeded. Later on, he moved on to Yishun camp, and Jurong camp for the last year. It was a blessing in disguise, because my school and home were just a few minutes drive away. We met up almost every Wednesday during his nights-out, and each time, I was thankful I had such a sweet boyfriend.
Two years later, he finally ord-ed. It was the joyous occasion of his entire life. I too, was overjoyed. I thought the better years are to come. Little did I know that it was going to be the worst part of our life together... We fought endlessly, and on some occasions, we even thought of leaving. However, we held on, because we believe we were true and love each other deeply.
But soon, things got worst. He started telling me that he had regretted devoting so much of his time on me... He regretted not spending enough time with his friends during his BMT & NS days. He felt that those nights-out spent with me could have been better utilized; being with his bunkmates. On the one hand where I treasured those times we spent every nights-out, it turned out to him that it was something he did not want.
I can't bring myself to type on. This hurts too much...
Even with all these, I still love him very much. I'm willing to give myself one year to think through this entire relationship. Some things may have ended, a new chapter may have unfolded, but a part of me stays in him.
Sometimes, I wish I have never existed in your life.
Thankful and Blessed
I may have lost someone who was once the most important person in my life,
the person I always thought I would marry and trust my life into...
The best manfriend I've waited all my life.
Yes, I've lost him.
But I gained more than what I've lost.
Godma's still there for me even with me failing her countless times.
She still stood by me and shared my woes.
She took me out for tea and sent me home.
She made me realize how much LOVE I deserve.
Thank you SL Godma. Can't express my gratitude and love for you.
Wouldn't know how to face my life without you.
and for you, i'll be strong and fight this world alone.
the person I always thought I would marry and trust my life into...
The best manfriend I've waited all my life.
Yes, I've lost him.
But I gained more than what I've lost.
Godma's still there for me even with me failing her countless times.
She still stood by me and shared my woes.
She took me out for tea and sent me home.
She made me realize how much LOVE I deserve.
Thank you SL Godma. Can't express my gratitude and love for you.
Wouldn't know how to face my life without you.
and for you, i'll be strong and fight this world alone.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Breaking Point
My heart aches more than anything I could feel today.
I cried the hardest I could, and decided that we shall call it quits.
I've loved you wholeheartedly, and yearns for you even with all the hurting words you've said.
It has been a terrible week, and with my monthly cramp, it made it worst.
Saw my deployment for 2014 and I'm dissatisfied.
Violin instructor wasn't around today, and I had to conduct a last minute lesson. Mind you, I can't even play the instrument. Nevertheless, my pupils enjoyed my lesson. :) They cracked me up even with the red and sore eyes I went into. Thank you my joyful bunch of kids, you've made teaching so much enjoyable.
And so, during the last period, a minor incident occurred. Thank God for wonderful colleagues, who settled on my behalf. Took the 20 minutes before violin to make a quick call, knowing that he has the answer that I'm expecting. Well, I actually didn't expect myself to be cool about it. Hanged the phone, walked to the washroom, and stood there for a good 30 seconds before everything started flowing. Happened that SL was inside, and she saw everything. I hugged her and refused to let go... until she had to free me to wash her hands, silly me.
The first question was 'why? W bullied u?', i shook my head.
'then, not happy with deployment?' of course it isn't.
The last thing that she expected, was about my relationship, yet again.
Upon hearing that, we hugged for a long long time, and yes, I cried out all the bitterness, sadness, disappointment, hatred, pain, heartache.
She had to leave to help me settle my violin pupils..
And i was still stuck, arranging my thoughts in the washroom.
It was bad, never had I done this in my life, in a school's washroom. SHAME!
It was 10 minutes after 2, I knew i was late.
Tried to carry myself confidently and strolled to the music room.
Pupils were settling in, waiting for instructions.
It was a good 1 hour spent with the kids.
Ended my day finally at 3 plus, went to the staff lounge to return a missed call.
Was indeed very upset with the conversation we had.
There is no trust between us. We've failed the test of time.
I've always been wanting to get a policy, but had been procrastinating,
simply because I don't like the fact that we only talk about insurance and teaching whenever we meet.
I want to embrace in the love of my man, and to be able to talk about everything freely.
And when we're comfortable, we can move on to financial planning as a single entity.
He's been very nice to me since our trip from Vietnam.
Did he do that to gain my trust so that I'll feed his pocket?
Now that he's losing patience and decided that I'm of no use, he decides to leave.
It's amazing how we've reached 4 years, yet our relationship is so superficial.
We could allow our career to affect the love that we have.
If we've been emotionally attached and madly in love, we would have overcome all these problems, but we've failed.
Shows how we're too used to the routine that we have and how we've taken each other for granted.
Still remembered how he had overslept for his company lunch and his friend had to wake him up...
Was feeling rather sorrowful that I wasn't the one that had the honour to...
Thinking back about it, I realized it boiled down to the lack of communication we had.
That he would refuse to tell me everything, and hide his feelings as much as he could.
If he had told me the lunch was important and he needed a wake-up call, I would have gladly agreed, because that's what a girlfriend's for.
But because we didn't even communicate the day before, I realize how little I know about him and his life, and vice versa.
This relationship made me learn the importance of daily communication that one should not simply overlooked. Now I could comprehend why couples could last a long time..
I'll get there someday, with my Prince Charming who's already waiting :)
One last thing that he had said which made me determined to leave;
'You're not important'... (which I'm praying that its said out of anger)
Since this has been said, I reckon I shouldn't be desperate anymore.
Kept chanting to myself that the man who claimed to love me has ceased his love...
he has forgotten about our beautiful love,
and most importantly, he is ready to let go...
So Jes, wake up.
He's willing to let go of you, because he cant commit anymore.
I'm still in love with this man,
but no longer feels for him anymore.
Goodbye.
I cried the hardest I could, and decided that we shall call it quits.
I've loved you wholeheartedly, and yearns for you even with all the hurting words you've said.
It has been a terrible week, and with my monthly cramp, it made it worst.
Saw my deployment for 2014 and I'm dissatisfied.
Violin instructor wasn't around today, and I had to conduct a last minute lesson. Mind you, I can't even play the instrument. Nevertheless, my pupils enjoyed my lesson. :) They cracked me up even with the red and sore eyes I went into. Thank you my joyful bunch of kids, you've made teaching so much enjoyable.
And so, during the last period, a minor incident occurred. Thank God for wonderful colleagues, who settled on my behalf. Took the 20 minutes before violin to make a quick call, knowing that he has the answer that I'm expecting. Well, I actually didn't expect myself to be cool about it. Hanged the phone, walked to the washroom, and stood there for a good 30 seconds before everything started flowing. Happened that SL was inside, and she saw everything. I hugged her and refused to let go... until she had to free me to wash her hands, silly me.
The first question was 'why? W bullied u?', i shook my head.
'then, not happy with deployment?' of course it isn't.
The last thing that she expected, was about my relationship, yet again.
Upon hearing that, we hugged for a long long time, and yes, I cried out all the bitterness, sadness, disappointment, hatred, pain, heartache.
She had to leave to help me settle my violin pupils..
And i was still stuck, arranging my thoughts in the washroom.
It was bad, never had I done this in my life, in a school's washroom. SHAME!
It was 10 minutes after 2, I knew i was late.
Tried to carry myself confidently and strolled to the music room.
Pupils were settling in, waiting for instructions.
It was a good 1 hour spent with the kids.
Ended my day finally at 3 plus, went to the staff lounge to return a missed call.
Was indeed very upset with the conversation we had.
There is no trust between us. We've failed the test of time.
I've always been wanting to get a policy, but had been procrastinating,
simply because I don't like the fact that we only talk about insurance and teaching whenever we meet.
I want to embrace in the love of my man, and to be able to talk about everything freely.
And when we're comfortable, we can move on to financial planning as a single entity.
He's been very nice to me since our trip from Vietnam.
Did he do that to gain my trust so that I'll feed his pocket?
Now that he's losing patience and decided that I'm of no use, he decides to leave.
It's amazing how we've reached 4 years, yet our relationship is so superficial.
We could allow our career to affect the love that we have.
If we've been emotionally attached and madly in love, we would have overcome all these problems, but we've failed.
Shows how we're too used to the routine that we have and how we've taken each other for granted.
Still remembered how he had overslept for his company lunch and his friend had to wake him up...
Was feeling rather sorrowful that I wasn't the one that had the honour to...
Thinking back about it, I realized it boiled down to the lack of communication we had.
That he would refuse to tell me everything, and hide his feelings as much as he could.
If he had told me the lunch was important and he needed a wake-up call, I would have gladly agreed, because that's what a girlfriend's for.
But because we didn't even communicate the day before, I realize how little I know about him and his life, and vice versa.
This relationship made me learn the importance of daily communication that one should not simply overlooked. Now I could comprehend why couples could last a long time..
I'll get there someday, with my Prince Charming who's already waiting :)
One last thing that he had said which made me determined to leave;
'You're not important'... (which I'm praying that its said out of anger)
Since this has been said, I reckon I shouldn't be desperate anymore.
Kept chanting to myself that the man who claimed to love me has ceased his love...
he has forgotten about our beautiful love,
and most importantly, he is ready to let go...
So Jes, wake up.
He's willing to let go of you, because he cant commit anymore.
I'm still in love with this man,
but no longer feels for him anymore.
Goodbye.
Friday, September 13, 2013
To just be happy.
The recent sad happenings kept playing repeatedly in my mind...
They are too much for me to let go and be happy.
Negative thoughts are flooding through my mind endlessly,
and my only wish, is for my guardian angel to be there for me.
Each passing day seems like a challenge and an obstacle.
I find myself crippled, weakened with the past events...
I cry with every little failure, anger, disappointment...
I cannot control my emotions like how I used to.
I've failed miserably as a living soul.
I kept questioning the existence of all that had happened.
Why do I need to go through so much pain and hurt?
Why do my heart need to suffer so much aches before I could move on...?
I thought I've been under quite a bit of stress lately,
having to juggle work (they are hell loads of them, which no one could ever understand)
piano (theory and practical exam), getting scoldings every week,
countless tuition assignments, trying my best to manage my time,
and a relationship which I refuse to give up even with all the roller coaster rides we have been through.
I've tried so hard to make it work.
I've tried so hard to make him see that I'm supportive,
that even when I can't support him financially.
I've tried to give him my moral support,
sending him and picking him up from places to reduce his travelling time,
but they're all seen as an obligation as to what a girlfriend should do.
I've tried to NOT contact him when he's working,
even when I'm missing him truckloads, because that would mean 'distraction', 'annoyance' and even an 'unsupportive' girlfriend.
I may have failed, but I'm not giving up.
I think I've depended too much on him for my happiness,
and that of course, is wrong.
It is wrong to love a guy more than he does, to crave for him when he's busy.
My strong desire for him to talk to me, to communicate with me,
has become a turnoff for him and a huge fighting weapon in our relationship.
I've learned to let go, to fly the kite...
Because that to him, is giving him more freedom and space,
which I know, he gladly appreciates.
This week has been a little better, especially after our Vietnam trip.
It was an adventurous and unforgettable one for the both of us.
I could sense that both of us are slowly moving into the 'right' direction...
That we're trusting, understanding, loving and giving more faith to this relationship again.
I'm more than thankful.
And I guess sometimes, we're all too used to each other's presence,
that we forgot how hard we fought for us to be where we are today.
I've always remember the day where we first started...
No matter how our future lies, whether we're really meant to be,
I just pray that the days ahead get better, and we can be a happy couple once again.
Now that I've slowly lost my pillar of strength and support,
which I'm assuming he's not aware,
I hope to muster more courage to fight for my own happiness in the days to come.
Just cant explain how I miss those good times of just loving and understanding with just one look of the eye...
How we always date each other every weekend,
with no fights, no tears,
but full of embraces and love.
When can we get there again??
They are too much for me to let go and be happy.
Negative thoughts are flooding through my mind endlessly,
and my only wish, is for my guardian angel to be there for me.
Each passing day seems like a challenge and an obstacle.
I find myself crippled, weakened with the past events...
I cry with every little failure, anger, disappointment...
I cannot control my emotions like how I used to.
I've failed miserably as a living soul.
I kept questioning the existence of all that had happened.
Why do I need to go through so much pain and hurt?
Why do my heart need to suffer so much aches before I could move on...?
I thought I've been under quite a bit of stress lately,
having to juggle work (they are hell loads of them, which no one could ever understand)
piano (theory and practical exam), getting scoldings every week,
countless tuition assignments, trying my best to manage my time,
and a relationship which I refuse to give up even with all the roller coaster rides we have been through.
I've tried so hard to make it work.
I've tried so hard to make him see that I'm supportive,
that even when I can't support him financially.
I've tried to give him my moral support,
sending him and picking him up from places to reduce his travelling time,
but they're all seen as an obligation as to what a girlfriend should do.
I've tried to NOT contact him when he's working,
even when I'm missing him truckloads, because that would mean 'distraction', 'annoyance' and even an 'unsupportive' girlfriend.
I may have failed, but I'm not giving up.
I think I've depended too much on him for my happiness,
and that of course, is wrong.
It is wrong to love a guy more than he does, to crave for him when he's busy.
My strong desire for him to talk to me, to communicate with me,
has become a turnoff for him and a huge fighting weapon in our relationship.
I've learned to let go, to fly the kite...
Because that to him, is giving him more freedom and space,
which I know, he gladly appreciates.
This week has been a little better, especially after our Vietnam trip.
It was an adventurous and unforgettable one for the both of us.
I could sense that both of us are slowly moving into the 'right' direction...
That we're trusting, understanding, loving and giving more faith to this relationship again.
I'm more than thankful.
And I guess sometimes, we're all too used to each other's presence,
that we forgot how hard we fought for us to be where we are today.
I've always remember the day where we first started...
No matter how our future lies, whether we're really meant to be,
I just pray that the days ahead get better, and we can be a happy couple once again.
Now that I've slowly lost my pillar of strength and support,
which I'm assuming he's not aware,
I hope to muster more courage to fight for my own happiness in the days to come.
Just cant explain how I miss those good times of just loving and understanding with just one look of the eye...
How we always date each other every weekend,
with no fights, no tears,
but full of embraces and love.
When can we get there again??
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Neither safe nor sound...
It's sad to know that silent tears are shed when the music is played...
when will I ever get out of this heart-breaking misery...?
I've no idea how to accept and love this man anymore.
How could such a man really exists, to think that I'm still an ****
The whole world thinks that I'm the dumbest human being alive.
With problems and stupidity, they are still constantly there to cheer me up.
Why would a bf want his loved ones to work so hard in order to get a savings policy of 500 from him!
My heart aches thinking that he has lost his sense of humanity,
that all that is in his mind, is work and $.
He hasn't thought of how much I have to WORK in order to pay this amount.
To think he asked if I could still accept that assignment which pays me a very high rate.
It doesn't pain him at all..
That even when I've agreed on one policy, he was unwilling to close it, because it was not a penny worth. Can't believe it.
Too much repetition about how much this man 'adores' this relationship
and shows his love to the one he claims to love.
Just too much.
when will I ever get out of this heart-breaking misery...?
I've no idea how to accept and love this man anymore.
How could such a man really exists, to think that I'm still an ****
The whole world thinks that I'm the dumbest human being alive.
With problems and stupidity, they are still constantly there to cheer me up.
Why would a bf want his loved ones to work so hard in order to get a savings policy of 500 from him!
My heart aches thinking that he has lost his sense of humanity,
that all that is in his mind, is work and $.
He hasn't thought of how much I have to WORK in order to pay this amount.
To think he asked if I could still accept that assignment which pays me a very high rate.
It doesn't pain him at all..
That even when I've agreed on one policy, he was unwilling to close it, because it was not a penny worth. Can't believe it.
Too much repetition about how much this man 'adores' this relationship
and shows his love to the one he claims to love.
Just too much.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Too much have been said.
It's a totally miserable thing to be back here again.
And as I understand that there's not much future in us, Ido not wish to let it go.
We parted ways at 2pm this afternoon.
Hugged, kissed, waved goodbye; our usual routine.
And that's it.
After 9 full hours, not a single reply/calls.
He promised that he'll talk me later, assuming when he's available,
but I'm never in his schedule.
Not when he's travelling from one destination to another,
not before he begins work/ends work.
I finally understood what all my friends have said:
:: I'm sorry, your boyfriend doesn't miss you
:: He's too selfish, you're all not compatible
:: If a man chooses to love, he stays committed with no excuse
I was waiting endlessly for his return call,
praying that when he ends at 10, I could get his return call..
I've loved this man more than I should.
Is time to be strong,
is time to let go...
And as I understand that there's not much future in us, I
We parted ways at 2pm this afternoon.
Hugged, kissed, waved goodbye; our usual routine.
And that's it.
After 9 full hours, not a single reply/calls.
He promised that he'll talk me later, assuming when he's available,
but I'm never in his schedule.
Not when he's travelling from one destination to another,
not before he begins work/ends work.
I finally understood what all my friends have said:
:: I'm sorry, your boyfriend doesn't miss you
:: He's too selfish, you're all not compatible
:: If a man chooses to love, he stays committed with no excuse
I was waiting endlessly for his return call,
praying that when he ends at 10, I could get his return call..
I've loved this man more than I should.
Is time to be strong,
is time to let go...
Friday, July 12, 2013
The whole world calls me STUPID
By the look of the last entry, I thought I was the most fortunate girl on Earth.
But right now, it appears that we're pretty much over...
In the past, before receiving my love, he'll do anything and everything for me.
it was all so genuine and sincere, and I was once the most blessed woman.
Over time, feelings fade. Communication breaks down, things tear apart.
Feelings are all concealed, and expressing one's true feelings equate declaring a war.
He is ever ready to let me go, by all means. Why am I not leaving for another him?!
Have I ever regretted making that rejection?
I have not lied in what I said. He said that I was dumb to be with him amidst all these shits. He meant what he said, and I took it to my heart. I was worried I can't move on without him in my life, that he will always be imprinted in my mind.
Am I loving him too much to let go, or is this all merely a routine? Someone told me it is very wrong to think this way. I can definitely forget him. I know I could with time, but why am I not resilient enough?
Yes, he's nice. He cares at times, and he tries his best to make me happy. But what he doesn't understand is that, sometimes the fault lies in no one. We're all learning from each other every single day, and we should all never hide our true feelings.
I've always worked hard to have that faith in him, and trying my best to understand him. Knowing that he has worked so hard for our future, I was secretly glad and comforted. Having to work 6 part time with a full time and piano, I thought it has to be worthy of all. I was wrong.
This guy has no confidence in us, because of a mistake/miscommunication/stupidity of me. Yes, another death sentence. Once again, I took the initiative to talk things out. He wasn't interested obviously, because it was already a red card.
I find it extremely difficult to communicate with a man with little words, and one who hides his feelings. For I was aware that he has a lot of bottled feelings, yet believing that I will be happy not knowing them. Silly isn't it?
He's totally a changed man now. He could bear to see me cry and send me to bed with an ache in my heart. He prefers to be called a prideful man than to put down his pride to coax a woman he calls his love? or called?
Being strong is no longer what I'm capable of. The thought of working so hard for a mystery is eating up every of my cells. I could hardly breathe, and sometimes, really wishing he could let me know how much he loves and appreciates all that I'm doing for the future.
With a scan down the text, I've done enough of expressing my gratitude to him, with him reciprocating sweetly. Hardly have I seen one that shows how much he treasures these. Maybe he does, but is all kept within.
Why do I have to go against the entire world for this one man? Love or stupidity? Because I thought it was a love worth fighting for. And that we'll fight it together, not leaving a trace of hope behind. That we will forget all the past and love with all our hearts.
Why do I have the sudden thought of leaving this world?
But right now, it appears that we're pretty much over...
In the past, before receiving my love, he'll do anything and everything for me.
it was all so genuine and sincere, and I was once the most blessed woman.
Over time, feelings fade. Communication breaks down, things tear apart.
Feelings are all concealed, and expressing one's true feelings equate declaring a war.
He is ever ready to let me go, by all means. Why am I not leaving for another him?!
Have I ever regretted making that rejection?
I have not lied in what I said. He said that I was dumb to be with him amidst all these shits. He meant what he said, and I took it to my heart. I was worried I can't move on without him in my life, that he will always be imprinted in my mind.
Am I loving him too much to let go, or is this all merely a routine? Someone told me it is very wrong to think this way. I can definitely forget him. I know I could with time, but why am I not resilient enough?
Yes, he's nice. He cares at times, and he tries his best to make me happy. But what he doesn't understand is that, sometimes the fault lies in no one. We're all learning from each other every single day, and we should all never hide our true feelings.
I've always worked hard to have that faith in him, and trying my best to understand him. Knowing that he has worked so hard for our future, I was secretly glad and comforted. Having to work 6 part time with a full time and piano, I thought it has to be worthy of all. I was wrong.
This guy has no confidence in us, because of a mistake/miscommunication/stupidity of me. Yes, another death sentence. Once again, I took the initiative to talk things out. He wasn't interested obviously, because it was already a red card.
I find it extremely difficult to communicate with a man with little words, and one who hides his feelings. For I was aware that he has a lot of bottled feelings, yet believing that I will be happy not knowing them. Silly isn't it?
He's totally a changed man now. He could bear to see me cry and send me to bed with an ache in my heart. He prefers to be called a prideful man than to put down his pride to coax a woman he calls his love? or called?
Being strong is no longer what I'm capable of. The thought of working so hard for a mystery is eating up every of my cells. I could hardly breathe, and sometimes, really wishing he could let me know how much he loves and appreciates all that I'm doing for the future.
With a scan down the text, I've done enough of expressing my gratitude to him, with him reciprocating sweetly. Hardly have I seen one that shows how much he treasures these. Maybe he does, but is all kept within.
Why do I have to go against the entire world for this one man? Love or stupidity? Because I thought it was a love worth fighting for. And that we'll fight it together, not leaving a trace of hope behind. That we will forget all the past and love with all our hearts.
Why do I have the sudden thought of leaving this world?
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
A test from God
Today was pretty amazing.
Realized so many things about life, and finally got a chance to clear the huge load off my chest.
I'm so thankful he gave me the opportunity to.
Sometimes, life is about chance and fate right? :)
A smile after so many days of tearing.
Sigh. Still think that I'm the most pathetic human being alive.
Why the shit should I go crying and whining and begging?
Dry your tears, pick yourself up,
everything will be fine again.
I seriously know we hold the key to each other's heart.
He knows all my silliness and clumsiness, all the crazy and ugly stuff I do.
Most of all, he tolerates 90% of them.
I need to work harder to understand this man.
He gives up this love because he loves me too much.
I would be the stupidest woman to give up this man who is truly a gem.
You're not useless or worthless.
I ought to treasure and appreciate your thoughts and love.
I admire you for all that you've done.
So once again, thank you.
And right now, my menses is late.
I've been cranky and crampy for almost a week,
but is not due.
Praying and wishing everything will be fine.
This is a test from God that I'm willing to take.
With his strength and wisdom, I will get the best out of it.
Realized so many things about life, and finally got a chance to clear the huge load off my chest.
I'm so thankful he gave me the opportunity to.
Sometimes, life is about chance and fate right? :)
A smile after so many days of tearing.
Sigh. Still think that I'm the most pathetic human being alive.
Why the shit should I go crying and whining and begging?
Dry your tears, pick yourself up,
everything will be fine again.
I seriously know we hold the key to each other's heart.
He knows all my silliness and clumsiness, all the crazy and ugly stuff I do.
Most of all, he tolerates 90% of them.
I need to work harder to understand this man.
He gives up this love because he loves me too much.
I would be the stupidest woman to give up this man who is truly a gem.
You're not useless or worthless.
I ought to treasure and appreciate your thoughts and love.
I admire you for all that you've done.
So once again, thank you.
And right now, my menses is late.
I've been cranky and crampy for almost a week,
but is not due.
Praying and wishing everything will be fine.
This is a test from God that I'm willing to take.
With his strength and wisdom, I will get the best out of it.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
不傻
 |
| 你懂吗？ |
现在我知道自己一点也不傻。
我们都没傻
只是太爱对方，才会这么做。
只要我们学会沟通，
应该会好过一些。
到底是这么难吗？
只想告诉你对不起，
真的没想要伤害你。
你是好男人，
我不是好情人。
要过得比我好！
feeling crappy
I'm back with more craps and shits.
Sometimes, it makes me think I'm such a shitty and worthless person.
I think he's moving on fine... He really is.
I don't wish to doubt but I'm doubtful.
Contradicting as it sounds, whatever.
Love this boy too much.
Sigh, I need to getaway from all this mixed feelings.
Maybe I should try driving into M'sia one day, a place where no one can recognize me.
Then I can eat/shop or even cry if it makes me better.
Singapore is too boring and sad to heal.
Don't you agree?
My life's kinda sad now.
Sis's travelling overseas soon.
Cousins, relatives, Mom's also leaving in 2 weeks.
Godma's gg for surgery next week and will be away for school till June...
Everyone's leaving, except me.
Even he's leaving for Japan...
Tmr's dental appt is at 4.30pm.
June's dental appt is also on a Friday 4.30pm.
I realized I had chosen this timing because I wanted to pig him up after work at 5.30pm.
It was the best timing, isn't it?
For dinner, for some snuggling and kisses.
Let me continue dreaming...
I know is all, but a dream.
Sometimes, it makes me think I'm such a shitty and worthless person.
I think he's moving on fine... He really is.
I don't wish to doubt but I'm doubtful.
Contradicting as it sounds, whatever.
Love this boy too much.
Sigh, I need to getaway from all this mixed feelings.
Maybe I should try driving into M'sia one day, a place where no one can recognize me.
Then I can eat/shop or even cry if it makes me better.
Singapore is too boring and sad to heal.
Don't you agree?
My life's kinda sad now.
Sis's travelling overseas soon.
Cousins, relatives, Mom's also leaving in 2 weeks.
Godma's gg for surgery next week and will be away for school till June...
Everyone's leaving, except me.
Even he's leaving for Japan...
Tmr's dental appt is at 4.30pm.
June's dental appt is also on a Friday 4.30pm.
I realized I had chosen this timing because I wanted to pig him up after work at 5.30pm.
It was the best timing, isn't it?
For dinner, for some snuggling and kisses.
Let me continue dreaming...
I know is all, but a dream.
Struggling
I'm sitting in my car, waiting for piano lesson in awhile.
Looking through the beautiful memories we had,
and the text messages/twitters conversations.
My heart aches a zillion times, do you as well?
You told me you have really moved on...
How did you do it? Can you teach me?
I haven had this feeling for the longest time.
I was under your protection and love all along.
Now you are leaving everything to me.
I cannot take it. I'm falling apart.
I can't get to sleep at night. I woke up late in the morning.
I used to say that you are my motivation for all my hardwork.
Did you believe it? I was true and sincere.
You said I am a strong woman.
I need to have faith.
But how?
I know my world is crushing down.
I know I can never depend on you anymore.
I still remember the day we held hands at night,
and I said we should never forget how lovely we are.
But somehow, we got lost and we're stuck in this maze.
How can we ever give up on one whom we love this much?
It's not easy finding that chemistry...
I still fear us... But you know what?
The only one thing I could do now (if I ever can),
is to hug you tightly, and this time,
I'm sorry I'm not letting you go.
Hey baby, remember you're a gem.
No matter where u go, what u do,
Remember this cute little angel is missing you,
wanting the best for you.
Until e day I stop missing and loving you,
I'll b here ranting about us...
Looking through the beautiful memories we had,
and the text messages/twitters conversations.
My heart aches a zillion times, do you as well?
You told me you have really moved on...
How did you do it? Can you teach me?
I haven had this feeling for the longest time.
I was under your protection and love all along.
Now you are leaving everything to me.
I cannot take it. I'm falling apart.
I can't get to sleep at night. I woke up late in the morning.
I used to say that you are my motivation for all my hardwork.
Did you believe it? I was true and sincere.
You said I am a strong woman.
I need to have faith.
But how?
I know my world is crushing down.
I know I can never depend on you anymore.
I still remember the day we held hands at night,
and I said we should never forget how lovely we are.
But somehow, we got lost and we're stuck in this maze.
How can we ever give up on one whom we love this much?
It's not easy finding that chemistry...
I still fear us... But you know what?
The only one thing I could do now (if I ever can),
is to hug you tightly, and this time,
I'm sorry I'm not letting you go.
Hey baby, remember you're a gem.
No matter where u go, what u do,
Remember this cute little angel is missing you,
wanting the best for you.
Until e day I stop missing and loving you,
I'll b here ranting about us...
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
He was nice, like the old Guardian Angel I lost.
My ex has moved on...
He too, believes that God has a bigger plan for me.
From the short text exchanges, I could sense how well and strong he is.
I was indeed glad and upset at the same time.
Glad because he seems a happier person (which I'm doubting if it's pride)
Upset because I'm still stuck at the same place.
I wonder, if I can get a man to move on this fast,
then I must be so unworthy and undeserving to him.
I don't know what I can do to make myself better.
I cried again while talking to my colleagues today.
I told them I can't move on... I simply can't.
And I had to quickly dry my tears before going into the classroom again.
You know sometimes,
I feel like I'm such a fake person.
I'm down, I'm crushing.
Yet, in front of my pupils,
Ms Ong is always bubbly and happy.
They told me this and hugged me today.
I never know how children could understand better than adults do...
When I recalled how he used to say I'm a joke/cartoon,
it makes my heart twitched a little more.
Now I fully understand why.
I AM A LIVING JOKE.
I am taking one step at a time, to heal from this pain...
I remember saying this to him a few weeks ago,
“记得一定要过得比我好!"
I'm glad he does now...
I can't imagine dating new guys now.
Then I realize, is not easy finding the one you really love.
I've always known this all along, but all has become clearer with experience.
Some of my close friends are giving up on me, knowing what I'm determined to do.
Others on the contrary, are very encouraging.
I guess, I know what is best for me and him.
If it's clear he wants me to get out of his life completely,
I should, I will and I must.
But please, give me time.
If missing you is part and parcel of my life now,
then I think I'm on the highway to more insomnia, more tears, more heartbreaks..
He too, believes that God has a bigger plan for me.
From the short text exchanges, I could sense how well and strong he is.
I was indeed glad and upset at the same time.
Glad because he seems a happier person (which I'm doubting if it's pride)
Upset because I'm still stuck at the same place.
I wonder, if I can get a man to move on this fast,
then I must be so unworthy and undeserving to him.
I don't know what I can do to make myself better.
I cried again while talking to my colleagues today.
I told them I can't move on... I simply can't.
And I had to quickly dry my tears before going into the classroom again.
You know sometimes,
I feel like I'm such a fake person.
I'm down, I'm crushing.
Yet, in front of my pupils,
Ms Ong is always bubbly and happy.
They told me this and hugged me today.
I never know how children could understand better than adults do...
When I recalled how he used to say I'm a joke/cartoon,
it makes my heart twitched a little more.
Now I fully understand why.
I AM A LIVING JOKE.
I am taking one step at a time, to heal from this pain...
I remember saying this to him a few weeks ago,
“记得一定要过得比我好!"
I'm glad he does now...
I can't imagine dating new guys now.
Then I realize, is not easy finding the one you really love.
I've always known this all along, but all has become clearer with experience.
Some of my close friends are giving up on me, knowing what I'm determined to do.
Others on the contrary, are very encouraging.
I guess, I know what is best for me and him.
If it's clear he wants me to get out of his life completely,
I should, I will and I must.
But please, give me time.
If missing you is part and parcel of my life now,
then I think I'm on the highway to more insomnia, more tears, more heartbreaks..
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