My first year-end trip: Bangkok!

Even with the political unrest happening in Bangkok, I'm still going ahead with my plans.
And all these days, I could only pray that God will keep me safe throughout the trip.
God is faithful.

For one thing, I know I am very blessed in my work, my career. 
There's nothing that can possibly make me feel so whole after the end of the previous relationship - other than work.
I'm motivated, and the positive feedback and assurance from all my bosses spurred me even more. 
Thank you Lord, for the miraculous things you have done in my life.

I can't wait for 2013 to end. I'll always remember this year I've through.
Full of agony and anguish, grief, hopelessness until I found You.

2014, bring it on. 
I'm already exalted knowing the year is coming to an end,
and ready to embrace you with an open heart!

Mother S left a very sweet text tonight,
with virtual kisses which I dearly missed.
I'll take care and enjoy, right :)

For the one last prayer, 
God, I pray for peace and love to enter his soul today. Pray for him to lead his life happily even without me, that he will be wise in all decisions that he make. Father, guide him in your ways and show him how delightful this world can be.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

I'm getting there. Am I?

Just did a minion test and this is the result:

I'm PHIL.
Phil is quite possibly the most happy-go-lucky of all the minions. He never takes himself too seriously – which makes him the ultimate team player when it comes to being willing to dress up as a baby at the toy store, or as a French maid around the house. He can always be found laughing and having a good time, making the most out of every situation. Phil loves to make others happy, too; finding ways to make a unicorn toy for Agnes out of whatever he can find around the house.

The 'ultimate team player' reminds me of the nomination I received this year for Teachers' Day. Loving to make others happy reminds me of how much I have done for this past relationship - which I've suffered and is STILL in the process of healing. If you're reading this, I strongly believe you're doing much better than I am. If you haven't, it's time to buck up.

And like what I've always been ranting about, my work is never going downhill. It just gets more and more, and really, I haven't worked so hard all my life. This is my first. 

P tasked me with 2 other assignments just a few days ago. So I'm foreseeing myself working like a crazy bee in 2014.
1. Team of publicity; publicize school magazine + update fb regularly on behalf of him
2. Teacher i/c of String Ensemble

On top of this; for English Dept
1. P1 Level Rep
2. Anchor P1/2 Remedial programme
3. Scrabble Enrichment Package (pending)
4. MRL duties

How am I suppose to cope with these workload + 2/3 tuition assignments + Piano theory + Practical + Part-time Masters (Should I?)

Nevertheless, I'm gonna pray that God will again tide me through this trying period. Nobody says that it's going to be easy. Mother N has been very encouraging, and I can only pray that she will be my standing R.O next year. 

I had been really down for the past few days, spouting negative feedback about the tasks assigned - which I've no idea why/how I did that in front of P. Nevertheless, Mother S has once again motivated me with a very sweet text, reiterating the point that she has not regretted recommending the pose to me. 

The last thing that I could asked for, is to heal completely - I don't wish for this agony to carry on to 2014 and affects my work performance.

Have a little faith, Jessica. 

15th November 2013 - My Last Day with 1 Creativity

Today marks the last day of my Form Teachership with 1 Creativity.
I can't believe I've stormed through and survived this difficult year.
This year hasn't had a good start to begin with...
There were countless mistakes made, tonnes of tears shed and painful lessons learnt.
I'm confident to say that I've changed for the better, and have become a much happier person.
:)

I can't forsee how life would be for me next year with so many things that I'm tasked with.
Having given my words to the leaders who have been giving me so much hope & opportunities, I know I can't disappoint them.
I vow to invest my time and effort and stay committed to it for as long as I'm called for.
I will be faithful and discharge my duties to the best of my abilities.

Today's speech day was a great success, though the food budget could have been better.
Headed to JB with the usual colleagues and it was fantastic!
Can't remember when was the last time I was there, but I've enjoyed the trip very much!
Looking forward to many more trips with them!
_________________________________________________________________________________
These were the words he used to tell me just days before we broke up.
"You are loved by all. That's one of the greatest attribute that one could possibly have"
He is right... :/
Asked if I've ever regretted moving on, frankly I haven't at all.
He was the least concern of my well-being when we were together.
Even after weeks of separation, there were no words of concern, remorse, guilt, shame for all that he had done to me.

I can't believe what my colleagues told me about him today.
I have been so silly all along. I still need time to heal...
It could be another month, another year or even more,
but I've faith that the next man that comes along will never stoop to his level, one that is unbelievably low.

P1 Orientation tomorrow.
Meeting my form class 1 Creativity 2014.
Yes, another set of twins, and 7 pupils with Js as their Christian names.
I hope this batch's gonna be much better than the previous, though my first form class had impressed me with their wonderful results they had produced.

More updates tomorrow.
Eyebags coming.
Nights world.

Feeling Great !

How long have I been away? I've started to lose count.
Happiness aren't short-lived. I've been pretty well and happy these past days!

I've been so overwhelmed with work, that he has finally escaped my mind.
Really, the Lord is good.
He takes away the evil, and replaces them with the good.
He took away my pain and sorrows, and restored them with hope and love.
He redeemed me for his glory. :)

I've been tasked with more workload; taking up stringed ensemble as my CCA,
with the hope of bringing them up to a whole new level.
Although I've been contemplating whether I should accept, I know this is God's calling.
Perhaps, it's an entry to a new discovery and learning too.

And yes, revamping and improving on the current P1 EL SOW is a hardcore energy-consuming work.
Nevertheless, I find it meaningful and certainly joyful in the process.
Working like a perfectionist yet again, I strive to roll out all the resources before Dec falls.
Work die me, but I'm determined to bring out the best in myself.

I can't wait for my new form class next year, though I've beginning to miss my current babies.
Teaching + PAL + Remedial Programme + CCA + Meetings + Trainings/ week = dead.
Plus, my piano + Masters. I'm wondering if I'm able to cope.
I'm gonna keep praying for His strength and wisdom to guide me through this tough period.

I've settled down well and have cordial relationships with my bosses and colleagues.
Felt so loved with their presence, especially Godma's.
Even with this loss, this hatred for the man I've once loved,
I thank him for entering into my life.
I wouldn't have known how appreciated and blessed I was if not for all these happenings.

For the one time I'm gonna declare, that I actually love being single. :)
Just within these 3 days, I've been asked the same question: "Are you married?"
As much as it makes me speechless, I'm surprised I could on both occasions muttered a quick no.
I'm glad these acquaintances make me feel like I'm sucha gem, waiting to be dug up.
I know God is preparing someone out there for me.
And at the right time, he will appear.
Meanwhile, enjoy life while I can.

Love,
JOJY

Every night I'll log in for the same purpose, then I'll convince myself, don't look back and move on.
He's a jerk I never want to meet ever in my life again.
And my deep love for him has officially turned into hatred.
I don't care how he's doing, neither do I bother if he's very successful.
For I know, he has no true self, no true soul to stand by to withstand the storm.
Wishing him all the best!

My sacrifice.

Happy Holiday everyone! :)

Finally caught THOR but I actually didn't enjoy it as much as I expected. Spent quality times with my cousins again, and I was reminded of how worthy it is to spend time with people who matters. I can't actually recall how long we have been separated, and how distraught I was. Has it been a month already?

Sometimes, we lead our life knowing well enough that everything is over. We try to move on, open our heart, accept someone new. But then again, the wound is still fresh. "Fall in love when you're ready, not when you're bored/lonely." I know for sure, that at this point in my life, I'm enjoying my single hood and is not ready for anyone else. It was the lousiest choice to move in and out of my past relationship within weeks. That must have explained the state I have landed myself in.

S said that I'm a strong woman, and that I'm the greatest girl he has ever met. I guess it has been long since someone complimented me so genuinely <3 I'm thankful for such sweet gesture and was reassured of the decision I have made.

Of course, this healing process is tough. There were still nights that I missed him so dearly I hugged my snowman and cried hard. There were also times that I drove on the highway, and a certain song reminded me of our beautiful memories, that silent tears dropped. I remembered how he would stop those tears, because they were once painful for him to see them. I couldn't forget how hard he fought for me to accept his love, and to move on from my previous relationship. He promised that he would bring me happiness. I was overjoyed. It was all a LIE.

Our relationship has come to an end. I hate the fact that I'm still clinging on to the broken pieces left hanging around. Why did he leave me behind? Why didn't he see my sacrifice for this love?

Tonight, I vow never to cry over us again. Cause PJJ, I hate you and I never wish to see you ever in my life again. I want to move on and find someone ten thousand times better than you.

From now on, you should mean nothing to me anymore. It's time I stop blogging about us. It's time I grab a life without you in my head. It's time I face the reality that everything is over. We're completely over. It has always been so clear, but I never got it. No words of apology, no guilt, no shame. This has been the man I've loved for 4 years.

I was blind but not anymore. I've woken up! Leave me to cry for the very last night... ...

Today's Feeling: Suffocated

This relationship has left me suffocated and badly scarred.
The deep sense of betrayal and hurt have let me feeling extremely afraid to open up my heart again.
I thought I wouldn't mind waiting for a year to move on, but frankly, I mind.
Each passing minute seems like a day, and the days seems like a year.
I can't breathe. I tried my best to fill my life with overwhelming activities.
But to the moment I hit my sack, I've wished he was part of those memories.
Just 2 days ago, his friend texted me, out of the blue.
I didn't want to share anything, because I am truly aware of his existence and motive.
I understand and have accepted that I may have met the right person at the wrong time,
and nothing can change the fact that we can never be back together again.
Perhaps, some endings are just new beginnings in disguise.

Dating a Boy versus a Man

1. A man knows what he wants, and goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.
2. A man plans for his future and is working towards building a foundation and infrastructure in order to have a family (at some point in his life).  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend.
3. A man looks for a woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values when choosing a partner. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting.
4. A man knows a good woman when he meets one and will take initiative to get to know her. A boy may make an attempt if you’re lucky, but gives up before ever really trying.
5. A man has the courage to have uncomfortable conversations. He is honest with his intentions and lets people know where they stand. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship.
6. A man knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in.
7. A man knows how to have a good time and be social, but is often busy making strides in his career and building his life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend.
8. A man takes the time to reflect on the type of man he wants to be, the example he wants to leave and the vision for his life. He has put thought into his values. A boy has not established his moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent.
9. A man has integrity. He means what he says, and says what he means. He has follow through and actions his promises. And if he can’t he has the guts to tell you why. A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.
10. A man is afraid of rejection but will put himself out there anyway. A boy is afraid of rejection and acts passive so that his pride and ego won’t ever get too banged up.

Processing the Pain of Loss

4 years ago, I was attached to the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I remember giving thanks everyday, for the relationship and love I had in my life. I trusted him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He's the one, I always thought.

Until one day, I realized that this man has made that destructive decision to ultimately break everything we had into pieces - including my fragile heart. Gradually, I began to discover that the person I used to adored and loved was not the person I thought I once knew.

J said I'm in a stage in which I refused to face my heart. I know I needed more time to heal and redefine the purpose of my life. As much as I can say I'm a confident and strong woman, it is no doubt that there were times I doubted my self-worth. I questioned myself - why is the man who claimed he so loved me bear to throw me away for something else? I was hurt, shattered, and my self-esteem plunged downright bottom.

I hung on to the faith that he would still text me one day, asking me how I am doing in my life. But he didn't. That's the most disappointing thing.

Sometimes, (though rarely nowadays), I felt terribly alone. To have your faith breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. I feel trapped in my own fantasy - that this man is bound to be mine for the rest of his life.

I wanted to resolve the differences between us. I guess he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he'd ignore me. And with time, I must have behaved like an troublemaker and time-consuming machine to him, that he desired to ditch. I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treated me like dirt. It was like one day, I was a world to him, and I received text messages that explained how appreciated I was. And the next moment, I was useless and irrelevant in his life.

I'm working very hard to pick myself up, to turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger and wiser.

Perhaps he just wasn’t capable of showing me care the way I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at the time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope, and cutting me off was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I just lived in denial during our relationship, and lived in a fantasy I created in my own head.