The whole world calls me STUPID

By the look of the last entry, I thought I was the most fortunate girl on Earth.

But right now, it appears that we're pretty much over...
In the past, before receiving my love, he'll do anything and everything for me.
it was all so genuine and sincere, and I was once the most blessed woman.

Over time, feelings fade. Communication breaks down, things tear apart.
Feelings are all concealed, and expressing one's true feelings equate declaring a war.
He is ever ready to let me go, by all means. Why am I not leaving for another him?!
Have I ever regretted making that rejection? 

I have not lied in what I said. He said that I was dumb to be with him amidst all these shits. He meant what he said, and I took it to my heart. I was worried I can't move on without him in my life, that he will always be imprinted in my mind.

Am I loving him too much to let go, or is this all merely a routine? Someone told me it is very wrong to think this way. I can definitely forget him. I know I could with time, but why am I not resilient enough?

Yes, he's nice. He cares at times, and he tries his best to make me happy. But what he doesn't understand is that, sometimes the fault lies in no one. We're all learning from each other every single day, and we should all never hide our true feelings.

I've always worked hard to have that faith in him, and trying my best to understand him. Knowing that he has worked so hard for our future, I was secretly glad and comforted. Having to work 6 part time with a full time and piano, I thought it has to be worthy of all. I was wrong.

This guy has no confidence in us, because of a mistake/miscommunication/stupidity of me. Yes, another death sentence. Once again, I took the initiative to talk things out. He wasn't interested obviously, because it was already a red card.

I find it extremely difficult to communicate with a man with little words, and one who hides his feelings. For I was aware that he has a lot of bottled feelings, yet believing that I will be happy not knowing them. Silly isn't it?

He's totally a changed man now. He could bear to see me cry and send me to bed with an ache in my heart. He prefers to be called a prideful man than to put down his pride to coax a woman he calls his love? or called?

Being strong is no longer what I'm capable of. The thought of working so hard for a mystery is eating up every of my cells. I could hardly breathe, and sometimes, really wishing he could let me know how much he loves and appreciates all that I'm doing for the future.

With a scan down the text, I've done enough of expressing my gratitude to him, with him reciprocating sweetly. Hardly have I seen one that shows how much he treasures these. Maybe he does, but is all kept within.

Why do I have to go against the entire world for this one man? Love or stupidity? Because I thought it was a love worth fighting for. And that we'll fight it together, not leaving a trace of hope behind. That we will forget all the past and love with all our hearts.

Why do I have the sudden thought of leaving this world?

Yay! No more CG this month.
My Saturday afternoon is finally available.

I decided, if he s still insistence,
I'll give it a shot tonight.

A test from God

Today was pretty amazing.
Realized so many things about life, and finally got a chance to clear the huge load off my chest.
I'm so thankful he gave me the opportunity to.
Sometimes, life is about chance and fate right? :)

A smile after so many days of tearing.
Sigh. Still think that I'm the most pathetic human being alive.
Why the shit should I go crying and whining and begging?
Dry your tears, pick yourself up,
everything will be fine again.

I seriously know we hold the key to each other's heart.
He knows all my silliness and clumsiness, all the crazy and ugly stuff I do.
Most of all, he tolerates 90% of them.
I need to work harder to understand this man.

He gives up this love because he loves me too much.
I would be the stupidest woman to give up this man who is truly a gem.
You're not useless or worthless.
I ought to treasure and appreciate your thoughts and love.
I admire you for all that you've done.
So once again, thank you.

And right now, my menses is late.
I've been cranky and crampy for almost a week,
but is not due.

Praying and wishing everything will be fine.

This is a test from God that I'm willing to take.
With his strength and wisdom, I will get the best out of it.

It's a sad Friday

Today I woke up knowing is Friday.
I cried a little longer.

Numb.

不傻

你懂吗？

现在我知道自己一点也不傻。
我们都没傻
只是太爱对方，才会这么做。

只要我们学会沟通，
应该会好过一些。

到底是这么难吗？
只想告诉你对不起，
真的没想要伤害你。

你是好男人，
我不是好情人。
要过得比我好！

feeling crappy

I'm back with more craps and shits.
Sometimes, it makes me think I'm such a shitty and worthless person.
I think he's moving on fine... He really is.
I don't wish to doubt but I'm doubtful.
Contradicting as it sounds, whatever.
Love this boy too much.

Sigh, I need to getaway from all this mixed feelings.
Maybe I should try driving into M'sia one day, a place where no one can recognize me.
Then I can eat/shop or even cry if it makes me better.
Singapore is too boring and sad to heal.
Don't you agree?

My life's kinda sad now.
Sis's travelling overseas soon.
Cousins, relatives, Mom's also leaving in 2 weeks.
Godma's gg for surgery next week and will be away for school till June...
Everyone's leaving, except me.
Even he's leaving for Japan...

Tmr's dental appt is at 4.30pm.
June's dental appt is also on a Friday 4.30pm.
I realized I had chosen this timing because I wanted to pig him up after work at 5.30pm.
It was the best timing, isn't it?
For dinner, for some snuggling and kisses.

Let me continue dreaming...
I know is all, but a dream.