Today as I browsed through some of our past photos, I could still feel a tinge of sadness and lost.
I still do miss him a lot...
PJJ, did you miss me today?
I wonder, have we become strangers overnight?
When I looked through our Vietnam photos, I was reminded of what he told me when we missed our flight; that it was not meant to be.
I remembered how he was so ready to let go of me, even when I was trying so hard to fight for us.
Now that I've waken up from my dream, I realize how the series of events have led me to this conclusion today; that I have to GIVE UP.
You know, the reason I'm still so strong, is knowing that one day, perhaps some day, we'll return and be like how we used to be.
R said: "Please use your intelligent mind and evaluate the situation. He does not want you anymore!"
But I sincerely believe that we're not over. I know that our love is special.
Or at least, I know I've loved this man wholeheartedly, and has given all that I could.
Le sigh, why am I so silly?
Work has replaced him in my life, and I'm finding myself drowning in more dept work, with my name appearing everywhere on the to-do list.
I'm happy, cuz it keeps my mind off him.
I enjoy staying in school till it closes, because office is the only place I think of him the least.
Dear Lord,
I pray for your presence in my life. I pray that you will reveal more of you to me each day, and show me the way that you want me to take. Thank you for staying by my side, protecting me and ensuring that I'm safe wherever I go. Thank you for all the wonderful people you have put in my life, to make this journey less saddening and disheartening. With you, Lord, I know you will be able to help me to walk out of my darkness very soon, and to overcome my fears of meeting new people. Help me to see that there are still good guys around, and give them the opportunity for me to open my hearts. Right now, Lord, my heart is dead. Help me to move on with a soften heart, with a heart that still cares and loves, to the rightful person. And if he's the one for me, Lord, show me to him.
I pray this in J's Almighty name, Amen.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Today's Feeling: Fatigue
Even with the least number of tuition assignments that I could ever have in my life,
I'm still drained out from work; more work.
I'm glad that I'm where I'm today.
Although I've been missing him just as much (and honestly, I don't think he misses me),
I'm just gonna give myself the longest time to heal and move on.
Because through this life experience, I learn that it's alright to cry, to yearn and to be in pain.
hush hush, everything will be over soon...
And it's clear I'm not ready for any date, neither do I have the time and energy to.
I can't stop giving thanks to God everyday for putting all the good things in my life after his departure.
The people that I've met, the true colors that I've seen.
They said its high time I stop spending time with people who doesn't care, and spend time with people who are worthy.
Now I can't wait for my weekends to come.
Seriously, I've not anticipated the weekend to come for the longest time.
Sigh.
X said that I'm putting up a strong front,
deep now, I'm hurting more than anyone can see.
True friends know you best, even without a spoken word.
We've been spending a lot of time together, and YAY
still gleeful about the fact that I still have market value even at my ugliest.
Just praying that with each passing day, I'll muster more courage to forget about us,
or even pinning any hope that one day, fate will bring us together again.
Please convince me that love doesn't exist between us anymore and it's time to free my hand completely.
I'm still drained out from work; more work.
I'm glad that I'm where I'm today.
Although I've been missing him just as much (and honestly, I don't think he misses me),
I'm just gonna give myself the longest time to heal and move on.
Because through this life experience, I learn that it's alright to cry, to yearn and to be in pain.
hush hush, everything will be over soon...
And it's clear I'm not ready for any date, neither do I have the time and energy to.
I can't stop giving thanks to God everyday for putting all the good things in my life after his departure.
The people that I've met, the true colors that I've seen.
They said its high time I stop spending time with people who doesn't care, and spend time with people who are worthy.
Now I can't wait for my weekends to come.
Seriously, I've not anticipated the weekend to come for the longest time.
Sigh.
X said that I'm putting up a strong front,
deep now, I'm hurting more than anyone can see.
True friends know you best, even without a spoken word.
We've been spending a lot of time together, and YAY
still gleeful about the fact that I still have market value even at my ugliest.
Just praying that with each passing day, I'll muster more courage to forget about us,
or even pinning any hope that one day, fate will bring us together again.
Please convince me that love doesn't exist between us anymore and it's time to free my hand completely.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Today's Feeling: Confused
Work treated me fine today.
Came back and felt really lethargic.
No energy to even practise my piano, like how I always promise myself.
Sigh.
What do promises really entail today?
Are they just words to please and assure someone at that particular point in time, with no intention of holding them true?
Whenever I think of all the words he once said, that was once so dear to me,
I realized how cheap they were.
I'm such a gullible girl.
Then again, I know that I'm loved and taken care for all by that.
Gotten my deployment for EL this morning.
Was just as expected.
Shall blog more about it tomorrow.
Came back and felt really lethargic.
No energy to even practise my piano, like how I always promise myself.
Sigh.
What do promises really entail today?
Are they just words to please and assure someone at that particular point in time, with no intention of holding them true?
Whenever I think of all the words he once said, that was once so dear to me,
I realized how cheap they were.
I'm such a gullible girl.
Then again, I know that I'm loved and taken care for all by that.
Gotten my deployment for EL this morning.
Was just as expected.
Shall blog more about it tomorrow.
Today's Feeling: Refreshed
Saturday night was beyond words to describe.
I caught a movie, had my favourite Thai dinner, did some impulse shopping,
then embrace myself with good company, good band and fantastic alcohol! :)
H said that alcohol must be consumed with the best mood.
I wasn't drunk, I knew what was going on,
though I was really drowsy and had my hangover the next day.
It's a pity my heart and mind's still filled with images of us...
Just couldn't accept someone else who's out to court and date.
Gimme a few more months to recover and heal.
The wound's still fresh, the thought of us still hurts.
I know I can find someone better out there.
You know, this relationship made me realized how easily one could be replaced.
In less than a month, I've been replaced.
Our relationship has been based only on LOVE.
Our personality, character, perspectives about life and career aren't compatible.
Today I met someone who knows the 2 of us, not too well but well enough to give me some wise advice.
He said this:
"It's good that you both aren't together anymore. It was not meant to be from the start.
He seems to have not-so-good upbringing. His level of thinking is childish" - to put it blatantly.
I may have been too blinded when we were together.
I know I've always guided him in his life, but to him, he said that I was restricting him,
and that I am not a supportive girlfriend.
Sigh. He just couldn't see that I'm always thinking FOR him, thinking ABOUT him.
I'm just a silly girl loving a jerk - you call it.
I caught a movie, had my favourite Thai dinner, did some impulse shopping,
then embrace myself with good company, good band and fantastic alcohol! :)
H said that alcohol must be consumed with the best mood.
I wasn't drunk, I knew what was going on,
though I was really drowsy and had my hangover the next day.
It's a pity my heart and mind's still filled with images of us...
Just couldn't accept someone else who's out to court and date.
Gimme a few more months to recover and heal.
The wound's still fresh, the thought of us still hurts.
I know I can find someone better out there.
You know, this relationship made me realized how easily one could be replaced.
In less than a month, I've been replaced.
Our relationship has been based only on LOVE.
Our personality, character, perspectives about life and career aren't compatible.
Today I met someone who knows the 2 of us, not too well but well enough to give me some wise advice.
He said this:
"It's good that you both aren't together anymore. It was not meant to be from the start.
He seems to have not-so-good upbringing. His level of thinking is childish" - to put it blatantly.
I may have been too blinded when we were together.
I know I've always guided him in his life, but to him, he said that I was restricting him,
and that I am not a supportive girlfriend.
Sigh. He just couldn't see that I'm always thinking FOR him, thinking ABOUT him.
I'm just a silly girl loving a jerk - you call it.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Today's Feeling: Pissed
Today's course was good, insightful and too much information overload.
Feeling great until I decided to go for service.
God was good. He answered my prayer.
But there was something more that I could not comprehend.
He made me remember about my past again.
Can I remove myself from this world, or at least disappear from everyone here?
Really, if I were to drive in to Malaysia this Sunday alone,
will anyone even knows/cares/bothers?
I'm going to skip service to enter into my own world.
Feeling great until I decided to go for service.
God was good. He answered my prayer.
But there was something more that I could not comprehend.
He made me remember about my past again.
Can I remove myself from this world, or at least disappear from everyone here?
Really, if I were to drive in to Malaysia this Sunday alone,
will anyone even knows/cares/bothers?
I'm going to skip service to enter into my own world.
Broken Hearts
I've lost someone and it hurts.
I may have lost him suddenly, unexpectedly.
Or perhaps, I have been losing pieces of him until that fateful day, there was nothing left.
I have known him for 5 years, but I felt like I have barely known him at all.
Either way, it is irrelevant now - I cannot control the depth of the wound that this soul has inflicted upon me.
I don't convince myself that tomorrow will be a good day.
That the sun will go on shining.
Or there are plenty of fish in the sea.
What I need to know is this:
"It's okay to be hurting as much as I am. What I am feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes me so much more human."
I can't promise myself that I will get better with the days, but I am confident that it will - eventually.
For now, all I need is time. I will take all the time that I need to recover and heal.
God bless.
I may have lost him suddenly, unexpectedly.
Or perhaps, I have been losing pieces of him until that fateful day, there was nothing left.
I have known him for 5 years, but I felt like I have barely known him at all.
Either way, it is irrelevant now - I cannot control the depth of the wound that this soul has inflicted upon me.
I don't convince myself that tomorrow will be a good day.
That the sun will go on shining.
Or there are plenty of fish in the sea.
What I need to know is this:
"It's okay to be hurting as much as I am. What I am feeling is not only completely valid but necessary - because it makes me so much more human."
I can't promise myself that I will get better with the days, but I am confident that it will - eventually.
For now, all I need is time. I will take all the time that I need to recover and heal.
God bless.
Today's Feeling: Like a Friday
I realized how routine my life is...
I scored distinction for my music theory mock test, drew 3 stars for myself, and wanted to take a picture and sent it to him.
Almost did it, took the photo, to realize that he has been erased off my life!!!
Why am I still clinging on to my past? WHY!
On a happy note, J and I have signed up for a language class commencing next week.
It was a causal conversation and we ended up doing silly things together.
That's how good friends are for. :) Can't wait to learn more things and upgrade myself.
Officially made 2 plans to travel @ the end of this year. I am so eggcited!
Back to the land of smile, and somewhere chilly cold. I hope I can withstand the coldness without his warmth.
More shopping, more food, more love, no fights.
Like what everyone has been saying, I look so much happier without a relationship.
Carefree and smiling more radiantly.
And! I've put on weight too.
Fatter, rounder, sexier. <3
Have consumed 7 slices of cakes from my last breakup.
Just needed that sugar rush to make myself happy, and get my mind off him.
Endless dosage of coffee every single day too.
I hope I'm not submitting my life to diabetes or caffeine overdose.
Bank's also facing a crisis, need to curb my spendings.
But life's feels so much more worthy now that I'm doing things I had been so deprived of.
chilling at cafes over coffee, impromptu shoppings, exercise dates, attending services, gatherings on special occasions...
I realized I've been so wrong to revolve my life around him all the time, when he doesn't even want to commit that few minutes or seconds to text/call me.
I planned my schedule to fit into his, such that we have time together.
I guess that's the biggest mistake I can ever make!
My schedule for the next 3 weekends are packed to the brim.
Next week Karaoke & Halloween's gathering will be the peak of the month! :)
And why does it feels like a Friday today?
Dislike the idea that I'm on full day course tomorrow.
Hope I don't chance upon him around that area.
Fate, please do some work.
Just don't know how to face a person who has changed so much over such a short period of time...
The promises that he made still constantly rings in my mind.
You've hurt me very deeply, PJJ.
I scored distinction for my music theory mock test, drew 3 stars for myself, and wanted to take a picture and sent it to him.
Almost did it, took the photo, to realize that he has been erased off my life!!!
Why am I still clinging on to my past? WHY!
On a happy note, J and I have signed up for a language class commencing next week.
It was a causal conversation and we ended up doing silly things together.
That's how good friends are for. :) Can't wait to learn more things and upgrade myself.
Officially made 2 plans to travel @ the end of this year. I am so eggcited!
Back to the land of smile, and somewhere chilly cold. I hope I can withstand the coldness without his warmth.
More shopping, more food, more love, no fights.
Like what everyone has been saying, I look so much happier without a relationship.
Carefree and smiling more radiantly.
And! I've put on weight too.
Fatter, rounder, sexier. <3
Have consumed 7 slices of cakes from my last breakup.
Just needed that sugar rush to make myself happy, and get my mind off him.
Endless dosage of coffee every single day too.
I hope I'm not submitting my life to diabetes or caffeine overdose.
Bank's also facing a crisis, need to curb my spendings.
But life's feels so much more worthy now that I'm doing things I had been so deprived of.
chilling at cafes over coffee, impromptu shoppings, exercise dates, attending services, gatherings on special occasions...
I realized I've been so wrong to revolve my life around him all the time, when he doesn't even want to commit that few minutes or seconds to text/call me.
I planned my schedule to fit into his, such that we have time together.
I guess that's the biggest mistake I can ever make!
My schedule for the next 3 weekends are packed to the brim.
Next week Karaoke & Halloween's gathering will be the peak of the month! :)
And why does it feels like a Friday today?
Dislike the idea that I'm on full day course tomorrow.
Hope I don't chance upon him around that area.
Fate, please do some work.
Just don't know how to face a person who has changed so much over such a short period of time...
The promises that he made still constantly rings in my mind.
You've hurt me very deeply, PJJ.
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