In and out of love.

The feeling of loneliness is creeping in again. The urge of having someone to talk to, someone to spend the night with. These expectations have sometimes, become too impossible to achieve. I feel like picking up my phone and ringing you up, to know is never quite possible you'll pick'em up. Gone are the days where my calls are always answered. You know how pathetic it is when you've totally given up hope on something you once clinged tightly.

I love surprises. I love a man who waits for me at the gate when the bell goes. I always hope for a man who could wake me up, drive me to school. When all else fail, the answer becomes clear. It is the path I've chosen, the decision I've made that landed me to where I am now. I thought I've really gone through much, trying to be the best girlfriend. Sometimes, I think I'm a lifeless walking corpse. I don't wish to ask for anymore things that's beyond my control. If you could be there, I'll be happy. If you couldn't, is fine. Life still goes on. Even a simple text goes unreciprocated each time. There is really nothing that I can speak of. You know exactly what life is being with you? Calling knowing you'll never pick. Messaging knowing the reply never comes. Hoping knowing they'll never come true. It is a fearful nightmare having to go against our wills/principles every now and then, just to comfort ourselves things would get better.
If these sacrifices made are not love, I'm truly sorry. But can I beg, don't disregard these that I do in the name of love. Please. You heard me saying many times, you're a man you have to be strong. But I've heard this inside me more than what I've said. The inner voice and strength that's telling me I only have myself to depend on. I have to be strong because I see my man crippling in the life of serving our motherland. I've not thought it was this hard being in the army force. I've underestimated how army could change the life of a man, and how it could have a negative impact on me.

I miss the man who could speak right into my heart. The man who is always determined and strong to fight for his dream and love. You're gone, forever and I miss you dearly so.


My beloved boyfriend I'm sorry.
I no longer know the definition of loving someone.
I never knew it was this hard being your love.