Relationship Matters

We have all arrived at the stage where the relationship starts to fall apart...

I have so much to say when I first came home.
Now it seems like a dagger's piercing through my throat,
feeling the pain and yet couldn't utter a word.

It is easy for one to say that a couple should never fail to communicate.
We all know it.
But talk is cheap, isn't it?
We've all grown so comfortable with each other we forget how we first started.
We assume that our partner knows us well enough the things we want, and our expectations become limitless.

I forgot the times I had a good quality talk with my boyf.
I forgot how we could talk on the phone, through the night until one of us gets too tired to continue.
I forgot how it was like to be looked after and pampered.

I constantly see myself as a teacher, everywhere I go,
with my pupils, with my cousins, and sometimes even with my boyf.
The anxiety and worries for them is always in me, that I should always be responsible for them.
These sometimes, come too huge for me to take it alone.
Because I am just a girl-next-door. I am no superwoman.
I cannot be doing my job 24/7 a week. No one can.

The only source of comfort right now appears to be my colleagues who share the same profession as me.
The time spent with them is the only time we could strip that title off us.
It is the only time we are not reminded of we are, but a normal human being with the need to go crazy and  high too. I love the feeling of endless talks and laughters after a week of handwork, with people who truly care, and those with a big heart to listen.

The past 10 weeks of practicum (together with 10 crazy observations) were insane, but I am glad I have embraced it. WELL DONE!
It has been an enriching and fulfilling journey for me, and I'm glad I have made a wonderful bunch of colleagues together with the trainees. This practicum wouldn't have been more perfect without them around.

Now that I have ORD-ed as a trainee and into a beginning teacher (BT), I am ready to take up the challenges ahead. I know this is going to be a tough battle, especially having to juggle with full and part-time work, piano and a half-dying relationship. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that one will never reap fruits without labor.

A person who does not try will never succeed.
A person who tries will succeed one day.

Now that things have come to this stage, I could only wait for a 'miracle' to happen.

It's hard to predict how things would be like in the next few weeks before our taiwan trip, but we certainly look forward to it.
Time shall be the last issue that breaks a relationship, because with good time management, everything is possible.

Enough said.

04.05.12

The long-awaited day finally arrived.
I'm not feeling at my best though :(
The feeling that the worst has yet to come,
that I have more obstacles and challenges ahead.
Today seems a long and tiring day without my love.
We haven't been communicating for almost 3 days.
It's not that we didn't have the time to,
but there were so much other hurdles that we couldn't overcome.
I'm pretty upset with myself, with him and every other thing.
I hate it that we have to end the night with a casual text 'night'.
I believe we can do so much better.
I have this urge of taking the first move, of patching things up.
but the question of 'why me?' keeps haunting.
I'm moving in and out of the shadows of my past relationship.
Something is failing, and I'm afraid.
Baby,
All I wish is for you to hold me, and never let go...

DONE with obs!

I'm finally done with all 10 observations.
*give myself a pat on my back*

Just as I thought this is the best weekend to indulge in some fun,
I was completely wrong.
Bf was totally caught up with stuff in camp,
I had 3 tuitions to do,
and piles of compos to mark.

There again, to comfort myself,
I shall treat myself to some retail therapy with cousin/ex-colleague.

I want to watch the midnight show alone in my room.
not thinking about work and love.

This has to be my weekend.

Practicum 2

I'm more than halfway through my practicum, and I guess
everything has been pretty fine. *positivity*
Completed 7 observations so far and I can't wait to clear everything in the next 2 weeks.

The bits and pieces of silly stuff are too laborious to mention.
Some things are better kept unsaid.
For what's been done, I have no regrets.
And I think I know myself best than to have a person barely knowing me for a month to judge.

Outgrow that phase of drowning in sadness over GRADEs.
Have been self-reflecting to better after every lesson.
Taping my own lesson to see where I've overlooked, how I can improve as an educator.

And in this education industry, there's no other person to better understand the situation than our very own colleagues.

More often, I need that genuine pair of ears to know how I really feel, to make me see things from another perspective.

And my final wish for 2012 is to get me out of this school. Because there's nothing worth staying, other than my fellow colleagues/teachers who's always there to brighten up our teaching life :) HAHAHA.

May my posting school be one that is IN MY FAVOR.

Signing off,
Ms Ong :/

Blogging from iPad :)

Haven't been here for quite some time.
Almost forgot the existence of my blog! :/

Every mon and tue at this hour,
I'll be slacking/rotting at KFC alone, waiting for time to pass.
And obv, it is no exception today.

Sometimes when I'm lucky, I'll get calls from cousin/bf/friend to accompany me through this lonely hour.
But more often, I'll b doing work, spending time with myself,
thinking through the ups and downs of my life.

I know I have been too emotional and demanding lately.
Friends and colleagues around have been saying that.
I ought to cheer up a little and embrace myself.

Today, I made a decision.
And this decision will make me a strong girl, I know it.

Life sometimes, doesn't just revolve around the ones we already have.
We should open our eyes to treasure the ones who have always been there, silently.

I really do miss my guardian angel.

Welcome 2012

I guess we all have enough of resolutions made at the beginning of every brand new year,

but never fulfilling any of it.

I have to admit, I am one serious offender of this.

:/

Let's all be more realistic, shall we?

That in this new year,

May there be world peace and

happiness filled in our lives every single moment (:

This year is gonna be so exciting.

In January, we have our much celebrated Chinese New Year,

a joyous occasion where families indulge in heartwarming gatherings.

Aside this, I'm turning 24 just days before 初一  

...

24 has always been the age I've been waiting for.

A number with deep rememberance.

The age that I'll graduate with a degree,

that I'll take my Grade 3 piano exam.

Most importantly,

I'm going to be a qualified teacher!

Realizing my childhood dream will be the most fulfilling task I would have ever accomplished in my life.

Come February, it's Valentine and cousin's grand wedding.

The long-awaited weds finally.

And soon, I know it's gonna be my turn.

:D

From March to May, I'm expecting myself to become a maniac.

Practicum + 4 Tuitions + Piano

May it be a fruitful learning experience for all... @.@

Then is Taiwan Vacation with baby in June,

Graduation in July,

Piano exam in August,

First teacher's day celebration in September.

I can't visualize the last quarter of 2012.

But I certainly know it is going to be better than 2011.

It must be!

Have an amazing 2012 everyone! :)

Communication

If only we could all see things from a different perspective each time we experience negative emotions,

If only we could all learn to forgive and forget like how the wind whirls,

If only we are this perfect...

Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

.

..

...

Yes, there's this constant fear in me that fails to subside.

I  know you will never understand,

because I've settled for a man that is nothing near the ideal man I want.

Maturity, career, education...

Where is this relationship really leading me to?