A glimpse of light...

心情是自己决定的。
Godma told me this last week over lunch.
I'm slowly making sense of it :)

Just a few days ago,
I was still struggling with myself,
questioning the reason for this rls failure in my life.

Whenever I think about him, I could easily cry...
I remembered how I teared eating my burger the other day,
and how I always feel like throwing up at the end of each meal...
Even during dinner awhile ago...
Am I anorexic?

But today, I finally made up my mind.
I made up my mind to be STRONG and TOUGH and to move on...
I should stop brooding over smth that will never happen again...
It is a hard decision, because a part of me says we're always meant to be.
And we're still. Silly isnt it?

It was so painful to see him everywhere around me,
I had to be cruel to myself.
I started throwing all the soft toys away...
And sis commented "You must have love him so much to do all this..."
I think she's right.
Never knew where I got the courage to do all this.

Anyway. I'm glad I have alot of distractions to keep me going...
xxx has been really nice and sweet...
Perhaps the old me would have been very touched by his actions/words,
but I'm not.

The random group of people that keep me company every weekday/weekend that my usual gang is thinking that they're losing me... Feeling so blessed.
Thank you Lord.

Godma's words on Mother's Day made me see the depth of my Father's love.
"Thanks dear :) U have been a blessing to me :)"

Slowly and gradually, I'll move out of winter, and into autumn/spring...
I'll be able to stand up once again, sturdier this time.
God bless.

Happy Mother's Day

It was an amazing Sunday this far.
Mother's Day service was beyond words to describe.
Thank you Lord.

"A Wise Woman Builds Her House"
Only JESUS can build a woman's SELF WORTH.

I totally see this. The message was so touching I actually cried for redemption.
Thank you for helping me see this.
Thank you Lord.

I bought Godma a lovely bouquet of flowers and she loves it!
I'm so glad she did.
Last minutes plan works! Praise the Lord! :D

Went for lunch with CGL and Godma.
Discussed about CGL's proposal on Vesak day.
It certainly sounds exciting...!!
Feeling so blessed for Joanna...
Accompanied CGL to pop to get the necessary materials,
he suddenly popped this question.
"Have you ever looked at rings and wish you have one?"
I was dumbfounded.
I replied,
"Ever since I left my recent boyfriend, I never dare to think about it"

Well, God seems to have a plan ahead for me.
It was so clear and undeniable.
Relying on my own strength, I made my own plans yesterday.
I thought that would be the best for me to heal, but NOOOO.
He delivered me.

Halfway through my drive to HG, I received a text.
A text that says I have to make a U-turn.
I refused to and continued all the way to Serangoon.
Then finally, I stopped my car, replied the text, and U-turned.
:)

On the way home, there was a jam on the PIE and I thought,
"God, why put me here?
Are you testing my patience?"
I wanted to take another route, but decided to trust in the Lord.
Yes, and miracles happened.

It was a pleasant Saturday night at Hendersons Wave.
It was my first time there, pretty astounded by the scenic view.
Memories flooded my mind once again... I wish he was there with me.

As the days passed, I realized I really did love him alot.
Still having flashbacks of our good old times.
I remembered fearing the day without him... But this day arrived.
Sigh

My heart's not ready to accept anyone else.
Even with all the arguments, fights and miscommunication we had,
you're still the man I think of every single day...

But I wonder,
do I miss him or the wonderful memories we once had?

Missing you dearly...

Today I miss him alot ...
Really miss him.
And sometimes I just wish to know that I'm missed too.

I made up my mind to spend my Saturday afternoon alone.
I don't want to go for CG fellowship.
I want to spend time thinking through how we'd been so blessed tgt.
I want to have a good lunch, wash my car, then go for dessert at my fave waffles place...
N finally a foot reflex to rejuvenate.
I also want to spend my evening book scraping for my loved ones.

Is so near yet so far, I have this urge of asking him again if he wanna meet.
But I reckon is best I respect his decision.
It feels good to b alone sometimes.

Looking forward to a fun-filled day tmr.

He was the reason I once worked so hard for.
He was my source of motivation to wake up early n sleep late at night...
He was why I thought everything was worth it.

You sense how lost n confused I am now?

Seasons of Life

Just came back from GLOW and I must admit it was a good session (:

The question that was repeatedly asked was,
"Which season of life are you in?"

I know my answer. I'm in winter.
Chilly, lonely, unwanted, unloved... and waiting for Spring to be here again...

Had a friday night date but had decided to turn in early tonight.

I miss him so much.
And all I wish, really, ís a hug.

My takeaway today:
"To everything that there is a season...
To mould us, shape us, and to transform us from glory to glory.

Give up winter and you will miss the promise of Spring, the beauty of Summer and the fulfilment of Fall.

So don't give up! Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of the rest.

Still trying hard.

Yes, I lost.

Oh wells. It was as planned and expected.
He can't make it for me to collect my things this weekend.
So I shall give it a miss.
It's a wise choice anyway.
And I hate the fact that I'm still clinging on to him.
I need to learn how to follow my brain, not my heart.

Godma has once again accompanied me for breakie and lunch today.
Tmr we're gonna have another date,
and Sat afternoon, we're having a CG fellowship too! :)

Life at the moment, feels like it's rather complete and I ought to be happy.
Work has been fine, coping and managing well.
Still loving my children as much.
But something is just amiss.

I just wish that one day very soon,
I can look back at these entries and laugh at myself for being such a bimbo.

On good days, I think that I'm so much better off, without having to worry about attending church/CG,
planning my schedule in advance to meet him, and to be mindful of what I said each second because it may just mean FINDING FAULT with him. I would sing praises about myself and the qualities I have, that he could never get someone better than me.

On bad days, I think I'm the most undeserving and unwanted human being on Earth. I'm a failure in life and hence, nothing works for me. Everyone hates me and wishes that I'm dead. I would hide in a corner/room, cry to my heart's content, and leave. Then the cycle repeats.

I've been leading my life pretty much this way lately.
Perhaps, loving someone does not necessarily entails a relationship..
I love him, I still do, so much in fact.
After all that we've been through,
I believe it was all but a miscommunication that can never be resolved.

I still think about you tonight, cry over our past...
The good times at Philippines, Batam, Pattaya, Taiwan, Bangkok...
Never expected them to turn into history and misery..

With him, I thought my world was pieced.
Wanted to marry this man so much at one point,
that I develop fear thinking about our future...
Never knew that wanting to marry the man I love could b very traumatizing for him.

And I guess that's because,
I never wanted to lose this man to another woman.
And yet, I did.

I'd never expected this relationship to end.
Never did I.
Can someone slap me awake that I should stop seeing him?
He doesn't want to see me!
I'm running out of idea to keep my heart immuned.

Ignorance

So today, I texted him again.
It's silly to be doing this cuz I knew there will be no ending to it.
But still, a part of me says I must do it.

As usual, he thinks that I'm finding fault about our past.
Seriously, I don't understand the line between seeking clarification and literally finding fault.
I always thought I've outgrown the phase somehow, but not in his eyes.
I'm glad I never had to deal with this in work.
In fact, the reason why FGM 'lectured' me the other day was that I had become too much of a pushover.
Others are finding fault for little things that we do, but we give in, hoping to create peace.
I thought it was an achievement that I've made my stand clear.
There is nothing to fear, nothing.
I'm constantly telling myself this because I've been so afraid of so many things,
that  it's taking a toll on me...

I've decided to stay in the EL dept after much consideration.
decided to give up Aesthetics entirely...
And to stop seeking love.
If not for her call 2 nights ago, I doubt I'll be in school today...

I think I appear strong to everyone on the surface,
I always do...
But people who knows me well, know I'm struggling so hard to breathe.

Every night before I turn in, tears fall.
I simply find it hard to control my emotions.

I don't feel like seeing anyone anymore.
I don't feel like working anymore.
I'm just not me anymore...