Yes, I lost.

Oh wells. It was as planned and expected.
He can't make it for me to collect my things this weekend.
So I shall give it a miss.
It's a wise choice anyway.
And I hate the fact that I'm still clinging on to him.
I need to learn how to follow my brain, not my heart.

Godma has once again accompanied me for breakie and lunch today.
Tmr we're gonna have another date,
and Sat afternoon, we're having a CG fellowship too! :)

Life at the moment, feels like it's rather complete and I ought to be happy.
Work has been fine, coping and managing well.
Still loving my children as much.
But something is just amiss.

I just wish that one day very soon,
I can look back at these entries and laugh at myself for being such a bimbo.

On good days, I think that I'm so much better off, without having to worry about attending church/CG,
planning my schedule in advance to meet him, and to be mindful of what I said each second because it may just mean FINDING FAULT with him. I would sing praises about myself and the qualities I have, that he could never get someone better than me.

On bad days, I think I'm the most undeserving and unwanted human being on Earth. I'm a failure in life and hence, nothing works for me. Everyone hates me and wishes that I'm dead. I would hide in a corner/room, cry to my heart's content, and leave. Then the cycle repeats.

I've been leading my life pretty much this way lately.
Perhaps, loving someone does not necessarily entails a relationship..
I love him, I still do, so much in fact.
After all that we've been through,
I believe it was all but a miscommunication that can never be resolved.

I still think about you tonight, cry over our past...
The good times at Philippines, Batam, Pattaya, Taiwan, Bangkok...
Never expected them to turn into history and misery..

With him, I thought my world was pieced.
Wanted to marry this man so much at one point,
that I develop fear thinking about our future...
Never knew that wanting to marry the man I love could b very traumatizing for him.

And I guess that's because,
I never wanted to lose this man to another woman.
And yet, I did.