Ignorance

So today, I texted him again.
It's silly to be doing this cuz I knew there will be no ending to it.
But still, a part of me says I must do it.

As usual, he thinks that I'm finding fault about our past.
Seriously, I don't understand the line between seeking clarification and literally finding fault.
I always thought I've outgrown the phase somehow, but not in his eyes.
I'm glad I never had to deal with this in work.
In fact, the reason why FGM 'lectured' me the other day was that I had become too much of a pushover.
Others are finding fault for little things that we do, but we give in, hoping to create peace.
I thought it was an achievement that I've made my stand clear.
There is nothing to fear, nothing.
I'm constantly telling myself this because I've been so afraid of so many things,
that  it's taking a toll on me...

I've decided to stay in the EL dept after much consideration.
decided to give up Aesthetics entirely...
And to stop seeking love.
If not for her call 2 nights ago, I doubt I'll be in school today...

I think I appear strong to everyone on the surface,
I always do...
But people who knows me well, know I'm struggling so hard to breathe.

Every night before I turn in, tears fall.
I simply find it hard to control my emotions.

I don't feel like seeing anyone anymore.
I don't feel like working anymore.
I'm just not me anymore...