Processing the Pain of Loss

4 years ago, I was attached to the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I remember giving thanks everyday, for the relationship and love I had in my life. I trusted him with every ounce of my heart and soul. He's the one, I always thought.

Until one day, I realized that this man has made that destructive decision to ultimately break everything we had into pieces - including my fragile heart. Gradually, I began to discover that the person I used to adored and loved was not the person I thought I once knew.

J said I'm in a stage in which I refused to face my heart. I know I needed more time to heal and redefine the purpose of my life. As much as I can say I'm a confident and strong woman, it is no doubt that there were times I doubted my self-worth. I questioned myself - why is the man who claimed he so loved me bear to throw me away for something else? I was hurt, shattered, and my self-esteem plunged downright bottom.

I hung on to the faith that he would still text me one day, asking me how I am doing in my life. But he didn't. That's the most disappointing thing.

Sometimes, (though rarely nowadays), I felt terribly alone. To have your faith breached and your heart so wounded feels like there is a dark cloud of misery that follows you everywhere you go. I feel trapped in my own fantasy - that this man is bound to be mine for the rest of his life.

I wanted to resolve the differences between us. I guess he did not know how to handle me. So instead of responding with compassion and care, he'd ignore me. And with time, I must have behaved like an troublemaker and time-consuming machine to him, that he desired to ditch. I watched the man that I loved, that I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, in a blink of an eye, treated me like dirt. It was like one day, I was a world to him, and I received text messages that explained how appreciated I was. And the next moment, I was useless and irrelevant in his life.

I'm working very hard to pick myself up, to turn my pain into inspiration to be stronger and wiser.

Perhaps he just wasn’t capable of showing me care the way I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at the time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope, and cutting me off was the only way he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I just lived in denial during our relationship, and lived in a fantasy I created in my own head.