Silent tears

Well, the kind of life that I'm leading is PATHETIC.

I can't believe the state I have landed myself at.
Why on earth am I with a man with no plans for the future?
As my saying goes, a man without a plan is bound to fail.

It has been years since I felt the kind of intense love from my partner,
who would shower me with his love and attention that I seek.
I felt like I've been in and out of love too many times,
it's hard to make sense whether I'm really in love.

I'm a pathetic living soul who gives a useless man umpteenth times to salvage this relationship.
I regret not letting it go to grab a better life...
I think I'm the STUPIDIEST girl one can ever find.
Even with every drop of tears, every crack of my heart,
he doesn't understand the love we share.

All the thought he had was he's never good enough.
I've never heard a word that says I'll be your pride, I'll do my best.

I truly understand the reason I'm hanging on.
The thought of losing yet another relationship paralysed me.

On this very day, I wish for the strength and will to move on...
and to lead a life with someone who entirely deserves my love and everything.

Good night.

Work life

I just spent 4 hours marking 2 sets of P1 Maths WB. This is pathetic.
I could literally feel my eyes popping out towards the last few books.
More so, this is only the beginning of my career... It appears that the battle ahead isn't welcoming at all.

There's a reason why I work so hard, persevering through my 4 years to fulfil my childhood dream of being a teacher. Now that I am one, I hope to be able to soar to greater heights, with the support of my loved ones. I'm glad to be able to juggle 3 professional development courses, coupled with 6 private tuitions along with a full-time job. I don't think this is possible without passion, determination, strength and support from my family members. :) I'm thankful for their presence in each passing day, they make my life so much easier.

Putting relationship aside, I could be a more than happy lady now, but I'm not. The present status is complicated and my faith is diminishing.

How can one hold on for years with no hope and security? The efforts to be understanding has turned futile, as nothing works. I have since come to terms that singlehood can be better than being attached. I have this strong urge of leaving in order to pursue a better someone, and not be a letdown to myself anymore.

I have been successful in many areas of my life, but not a boyfriend whom I can confide in problem, or a soulmate who could see me through the ups and downs. We seem to have drifted so much that our partner may mean nothing now. I find myself constantly looking for opportunities to earn more cash and gain more teaching experience, at the expense of time spent with my partner.

I no longer feel the need to spend quality time because time's seem to be running too quickly, but its surprising one overlooks it...
With that 0.01% of energy left every night before I dozed off, I never fail to praise myself for pulling through a difficult day. I knew I have maximize my day and I have led a meaningful life...:)
And if I have a choice, I would definitely choose someone who shares this same dream with me... and is willing to work and persevere through hardship to get me to the place we want.

Let's work hard for a better tomorrow; as time waits for no man!

Is this really a deal?

It really has been quite some time since I drift into my own world, thinking what I really want in my life. Although the feeling of loneliness could be a little upsetting at times, I appreciate the peace and tranquility in my life now. I no longer need to humor myself to make things appear less serious.

I begin to wonder if this is really just a deal, or are we taking it for real?

Somethings, once done, can never revert back to the past. A bet it may be, let's just pray that it would only be one that provides us with the happiness we deserve.

Hoping that all have been well for us so far. Let's embrace on for a better tomorrow.

ps: Having said so much, there's still a tinge of sadness lingering somewhere inside. With every beep of the phone, I still wish he's the one who texted. As contradicting as it sounds, I know that I have not changed since the last relationship.

For a fact, I could be stronger now. Could.

Yet another disappointment

Subconsciously finding myself turning to this pathetic blog whenever I feel like I'm miserably alone.
Why do I not feel like my life's complete and fulfilled?
Why can't I be contented and happy with all that I have?

Is work really draining my energy to think and be wise?
Why are there so many whys that can't be answered?
Why can't I be the type of girl that could give thanks to everyday?
Is happiness ALWAYS short-lived?
Is holding a decent conversation over whatsapp a difficult thing to do?
Is wearing a smile the hardest thing in this world?

WHY?

Is it just me, that this world is so dreadful to live?
Have I not found my MR.RIGHT we could speak right to my heart?
Is it true that expectations come disappointments?

I can no longer be the type of girl anymore.
I can no longer be like how I used to treat him.
I can no longer be that loving girlfriend who understands everything that he does.
I can no longer be the one that says I can stand alone.
Because it's tiring to be constantly trying and trying... to no avail. You sense my heartache?

To lose the man who always understands that you're undergoing one of the toughest battle, he gives his all to you.
To lose a man who will stand by you and listens to you talk through the night. instead of turning to his gaming activities.
To lose a man who could be right there for you 75% of the time when you need him, will his heart and hands to shoulder you.
To lose a man who stops appreciating you for all that had been done... through the whole 3 years.

I am never told how this relationship feels to him, how much he treasures me.
I never know how much I can mean to him, even when we fought to the last minute.
Because the reason said was, he never know how to express himself.
As a girlfriend, she must be able to accept it.

This relationship is a child's play; where we constantly play mind-guessing game.
Because as adults, we do not even behave like one.
And because I know I have fallen in love with one that I should not.

I can't explain the distress I am going through...

In search of happiness

I have always taught I'd done extremely well ever since the last relationship... Sadly, I didn't.

Just a day ago, I remembered the blog he used to keep.
Out of boredom/pity whatever, I went to google it and yes, I found it again.
Entries that were penned down more than 2 years ago, when our relationship was thought to have ended, a ray of hope appeared.

The memories were bittersweet... tears streamed down knowing all that was once so beautiful.
Every relationship begins with a happy chapter. But why did it have to go downhill?

That relationship started and ended quickly. In fact, the first year was the only good one. For a fact, I knew I was blinded. Even as things were at its worst, I could be positive and embraced myself. I don't know where I mustered the strength and will to do it. It was amazing...

Today's relationship seems so different from the past. I felt like it's time to move on. This is feeling too strong, I'm finding it hard to resist. I'm not sure how far I can go, but I'm certain I'm stronger to fight for my own happiness this time.

Is true happiness really this tough? :(

love life sucks.

I don't know what have gone into me, I'm beginning to lose that faith again.

If only he understands what I'm going through, life would have been 10000 times more perfect.

And so, I have successfully completed my induction at FPS! The weeks there have been amazing, and I've indeed learnt a lot about my profession within the short time span. FPS has made me realized the importance of professionalism being a teacher, the multiple roles that a teacher has to play...these have all become more transparent now that im a BT.

Being too stressed out lately, I have been trying to read up on effective pedagogies and classroom management skills, in the hope that I can bring an impact to my future classroom. Striving to be motivated to do some preparation before flying off to Taiwan, is actually a huge and laborious task. Was given my class and teaching subjects a few days ago. Although I have been put in a department that I'm not best at, I truly know this is another learning opportunity in my career. No matter where it is going to lead me, I shall put in my best and aim for success.

Better said than done, I'm still struggling with my part-time work. How should I go ahead about quitting some but not all? Who shall I give up? I love and enjoy teaching every single pupil in my class, in my care. It's sad to arrive at a point where decisions have to be made, where sacrifice is needed.Like what's always said, teachers more often than not, place their pupils above themselves.I hope to be able to complete at least this calendar year before giving up on any. I'm not sure what's the outcome of all my doings, but there is one thing I am clear about; that I enjoy the kind of life I'm leading. This has to come from my passion of teaching. :)