No courage to tell you, here it is.

I actually cannot believe that we're choosing to avoid all sorts of stuff, just to make things work again.
It doesn't feel good at all.
Why does one have to portray like he understands everything when he doesn't even understand the basic ones!
I feel unreal being with a man like this, who shows different faces to people around him.
The worst thing then, is to apologize to someone who's not even guilty of things he has done wrong.
Oh yes, am I being judgemental again?
ans: Perhaps, all the time.

I judge too quickly, and I pass remarks.
The fact is, I reflect and realized my 'mistake'.
Well, with someone who comments that I'm judgemental,
my question then is,
AREN'T YOU AS WELL?

Assuming that certain things will happen if we were to pursue it together,
when IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
I don't see how far this relationship will take me.

So as of now,
I have decided to take things as it is.
Be as fake as how I'm treated.
Perhaps that's how we all can learn :)

Because I've seen in you that I'm not your concern anymore.
I've seen that you'll take what others say without thinking deep through.
I've seen that I've been replaced.

For things that I've done wrong, I'm not given a chance to repent.
NOT A SINGLE CHANCE.
Reflect about it.
Because you'll do things that'll potentially hurt our relationship.
And no words of apology from you, NO WORD.

I am NOT happy in this relationship.
I have no faith and hope pinned on it.
I see us nowhere.
But I'll hold on, not because I love him,
but of the memories which I'm not strong enough to let go...

I could no longer accept all that had happened...
Everything comes too late, my love.

From the bottom of my heart, I know that things can never be the same again...

I'm true in my words, and I know I have no regrets.

If you happen to chance upon this, we shall let bygones be bygones.
Move on and I genuinely wish you for the best.

Resilience is all I need now.

It takes alot of courage to decide.
But I guess, I didn't want to leave my life in regrets.

I want to give my best and my everything before I bid goodbye.
It has been the same many years ago, and I believe I've not changed for the worst.

I've always hate the separation of a relationship,
cuz it felt like the 3 years had been a total waste.
To devote my youth to a man I call my love,
hoping that he'll be the one who could understand everything that I need.

Was wrong obviously.

WHERE IS MY RESILIENCE?!

The fragility of life

Everything in life is so fragile.

Over the weekends, I've came to terms with a few things:
1. Nothing lasts forever
2. Treasure the loved ones around you
3. Happiness cannot be bought

It was one of the saddest weekends last week, and I guess I'm on the verge of closing the chapter...

I've always thought that:

• If a partner doesn't have the financial ability to support a family, then both have to work hard together to build a home.
• By giving sound advice to your partner, it allows him/her to gain another perspective and to make a better judgement
• Being in love means to understand and accommodate
• It's sweet when one does something with good intention, in the absence of the partner's awareness
• Wanting to know more about your partner means you care for him/her and is interested in his/her well-being
• To share a quality conversation every night is the sweetest thing a couple could do
• Your partner is one that you will want to share your woes with, not with a person you barely know
• Being with your partner is one of the pleasurable moments one can find
• One should devote more time communicating with his/her partner, than spending time with things that can be put off to a later date
• Your partner will defend you, knowing that you're put in a difficult position 
• Actions precede bare spoken words
• Love is to be truthful to each other, even in the presence of our friends
• To pick a girlfriend from work is one of the best gifts one could ever asked
• It's wrong to blame someone for something that had happened, because both are the contributing factors
• If a partner truly cares, he/she will do anything and everything without being told
• The man will seek all ways to make to improve in the relationship, knowing that the woman has done her part
• I'm madly in love

There are so many things which I thought was good, but it wasn't.
I've lost the ability to think and do what I feel like it anymore.
I've lost the my direction in seeking bliss...

Of all, I know that I've yet to give up.

Lonely night

As I hear the raindrops pit-patting on my windows pane, I feel a tinge of pain in my heart.
The same pain I felt awhile ago...

While taking the train back home, the heavy downpour brought me back to my past, where I had indulged in extreme love. As I thought through the times I had suffered and the happy moments that were still remembered, I wish I had someone to hug.

Sometimes, I wish for a mid-week night to go crazy, to forget all the responsibilities and commitments I have. To throw all worries and sadness faraway, to a place where only happiness exists.

I want to sit down at a coffeeshop with my love, drinking kopi and reminscing about the times we met. I want to laugh like how I used to, without the worry of being called a bad role model. You know these are the little things that people around us take for granted.

To even have a proper meal each day is something I'm constantly working towards. More to say abide by the exercise regime I've always talked about. It has always been words with no actions!

Tonight, I want to go to bed reminding myself to be thankful for each living day, and the things my family has done for me. They are the ones who never fails, who are ALWAYS there when I need someone. Be it picking/sending me from work, buying me my late meals, tolerating my tantrum and giving in to me even when I'm the unreasonable one.

One can never find someone that could replace our parents.

With so much love,
Jessica

A piece of my mind

When I was young, I used to have a checklist of the qualities I was looking for in a man, but I ditched it a few years back. I realized that my preferences have evolved over time due to personal growth.
Now that I have reached the mature age to be committed in a relationship, I have many reservations. Often, I feel like the time spent with friends and colleagues were more enjoyable than with my partner. I no longer feel the need to share secret with my partner. It appears a chore to arrange a time during the week to meet up. More so, getting my partner to connect with me when we're not physically together has become highly impossible. That is, as I reckon, more breathing space for both. Too much complications have arise which I made no intention of pursuing; something which I've wished I could do it. Now that I can, is it a good or bad thing?

Silent tears

Well, the kind of life that I'm leading is PATHETIC.

I can't believe the state I have landed myself at.
Why on earth am I with a man with no plans for the future?
As my saying goes, a man without a plan is bound to fail.

It has been years since I felt the kind of intense love from my partner,
who would shower me with his love and attention that I seek.
I felt like I've been in and out of love too many times,
it's hard to make sense whether I'm really in love.

I'm a pathetic living soul who gives a useless man umpteenth times to salvage this relationship.
I regret not letting it go to grab a better life...
I think I'm the STUPIDIEST girl one can ever find.
Even with every drop of tears, every crack of my heart,
he doesn't understand the love we share.

All the thought he had was he's never good enough.
I've never heard a word that says I'll be your pride, I'll do my best.

I truly understand the reason I'm hanging on.
The thought of losing yet another relationship paralysed me.

On this very day, I wish for the strength and will to move on...
and to lead a life with someone who entirely deserves my love and everything.

Good night.

Work life

I just spent 4 hours marking 2 sets of P1 Maths WB. This is pathetic.
I could literally feel my eyes popping out towards the last few books.
More so, this is only the beginning of my career... It appears that the battle ahead isn't welcoming at all.

There's a reason why I work so hard, persevering through my 4 years to fulfil my childhood dream of being a teacher. Now that I am one, I hope to be able to soar to greater heights, with the support of my loved ones. I'm glad to be able to juggle 3 professional development courses, coupled with 6 private tuitions along with a full-time job. I don't think this is possible without passion, determination, strength and support from my family members. :) I'm thankful for their presence in each passing day, they make my life so much easier.

Putting relationship aside, I could be a more than happy lady now, but I'm not. The present status is complicated and my faith is diminishing.

How can one hold on for years with no hope and security? The efforts to be understanding has turned futile, as nothing works. I have since come to terms that singlehood can be better than being attached. I have this strong urge of leaving in order to pursue a better someone, and not be a letdown to myself anymore.

I have been successful in many areas of my life, but not a boyfriend whom I can confide in problem, or a soulmate who could see me through the ups and downs. We seem to have drifted so much that our partner may mean nothing now. I find myself constantly looking for opportunities to earn more cash and gain more teaching experience, at the expense of time spent with my partner.

I no longer feel the need to spend quality time because time's seem to be running too quickly, but its surprising one overlooks it...
With that 0.01% of energy left every night before I dozed off, I never fail to praise myself for pulling through a difficult day. I knew I have maximize my day and I have led a meaningful life...:)
And if I have a choice, I would definitely choose someone who shares this same dream with me... and is willing to work and persevere through hardship to get me to the place we want.

Let's work hard for a better tomorrow; as time waits for no man!