Today's Feeling: Exuberant

It had been a fantastic Friday today.
God has showed me that even without the man in my life, I'm still surviving well,
in fact, so much happier! :)
Praise the Lord!

PSLE marking ended early today.
Came home for a quick nap and headed out with Rach Meimei for tea and catch-up!
It was great!
We had so much to talk about, and I felt completely comfortable with her.

Once again, friends like this made me realized how cherished and loved I am.
Why am I so silly to ponder over this man who has already given up on us?
Perhaps, he's already leading a very good life, or have even fallen for someone else.
Move on strong, Jes!

Rach made me realized how stupid I was to think that I m a lousy girlfriend when he had treated our relationship as a deal/transaction.
"if you buy a policy from me, OK I SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU! because in that way, I won't be a bastard.
TOTAL BULLSHIT!

To know that he's only willing to spend more time with me only when I've showed my support in the monetary form, I know I have to let this man go... No matter how painful it is.

I thought I've done well in many areas, albeit not all.
I remember how I had left him alone when he was unwell, while I was out celebrating with my friends.
I might have been selfish, SO WHAT?!
That was the only time I did.

I could remember how I flew from Jurong to Hougang just to visit him when he had a high fever...
But vividly I remembered, he refused to tell me how he was feeling.
He was always hiding his feelings, and I'm always trying to search for an answer.
He doesn't realize how hard and bad it was for me, getting to know him better each day.

Then, he said that he's too busy for me... That I'm no longer important.
He didn't remember how I stayed by him when he had bad sales day, sacrificing my rest time to comfort and listen.
The message that he sent that very night still engraved in my mind:
"I love you bb. Thanks for always being there for me"
Was this a lie, or was I too gullible to take him for his words?

Reflecting back in this relationship, I've done well, far better than what I thought I could.
I've given my best and I have no regrets.
I'm no longer crying over the loss of this relationship anymore.
Twice I've come to the same conclusion, I know I'm right this time.

Through these tumultuous 4 years, I can't forget every moment that we had spent.
I still keep the memories deep in my heart, still think of you everyday,
still expecting a morning and good night message each time...
But gradually, I know that your name's gonna disappear from my whatsapp and phone list.

I've been thinking a lot about this relationship, and at some point, I still thought of salvaging it.
I'll be asking this all the time: Does he really loves me???
And the answer has always been NO.
He didn't bother about what I did during school celebration.
He didn't bother asking how my Captain America's outfit looked like on Children's Day.
I didn't receive any surprise (concerned) text from him when I was overseas with my colleagues.
Most importantly, I don't think he even knows my fixed tuition schedule weekly.
That even when he has no plans, he did not bother to check if we could spend more time together.
WHY AND HOW TO SALVAGE TELL ME!

Being too busy for me is no longer an excuse.
I've accepted the fact that you haven loved me as much anymore.
However, seeing you grown and change over these years, I've nothing but a sense of fulfillment.
Leaving you all alone to soar, I believe you can do it!!!

I'm sorry I can't be there to see you through the next few centuries,
but I sincerely wish that you have the very best of your next chapter with your other half...
After one whole round, we're back to square ones. BIG SIGH.

As of today, I've progressed to another level.
PJJ is no longer the most important person in my life ever!
I've officially erased him off (well, at least for the time being, I hope I don't rant about how much I miss him tomorrow),
and soon, he will be replaced.
:) :) :)

ps: 1 week done, 51 weeks more to heal.